Reset to 17

For the first time tonight in years of confusion and seeking, I believe God has given me access to a glimpse into what he’s been setting up for me all along. I wrote as my last chapter that I wish I could go back to age 17 with all of the wisdom that I have learned. And it’s been evident to me for years that this wish was granted to me in ways I can’t even explain. I noticed after Covid it seemed I had entered a time machine. But I thought I was playing the parts of a relationship that I had with my children’s father.

D seemed like his clone in so many ways – from the way I felt about him to the way he did the push – pull and made me feel like I was caught in a merry-go-round. He would want me then push me away and do it over and over, all the while telling me I should have better than him, he’s emotionally unavailable and he never wants a relationship, kids and marriage.

I didn’t understand why God would want me to go through that dynamic again exactly as I had done as a child. But then I started noticing the similarities to Dave and me with my mother and Jim. It’s like a storybook plot the way she met him and he seemingly took over her character. She says he was the love of his life and so she sailed off into the sunset with him and put me in the trash as baggage that wouldn’t have made her happily ever after possible. She says, “He gave your husband jobs and we helped you more than anyone.” But what she doesn’t realize is what I needed most was to feel loved and accepted – to not feel that I had lost my mother to someone else’s family. In the car yesterday when I mentioned that she was laboring her health away for his son she got very triggered and snapped back, “Of course! That’s what I’m supposed to do that’s my family!” I knew she didn’t even notice as the words left her mouth that she hadn’t considered for a moment how differently she and her husband treat me and his kids. When they come to her house she bends over backwards to prepare for them and to impress him. It’s as if she’s been fighting her entire adult life to be accepted by them as she wears their guilt for being the woman who married their dad and caused their mother so much pain and misery.

She took care of Jim’s elderly mom when she had dementia. All of his children were placed in top notch colleges and given educations and today they live in Houston and both of them spend every waking moment slaving to make their business a success as their health diminishes more each day and I’ve seen the way my mother jumps out of her chair when his son calls. She’s like a slave answering to the master – hoping that she’s loved, accepted and her hard work is appreciated by him – the husband’s kid.

Meanwhile I’m lucky to get a phone call once a month and when I do speak to her she just tells me how miserable she is and throws up all her problems on me. She doesn’t want my love, affection, approval and she’s told me more than a dozen times that I’m not her daughter, I’m an embarrassment to her bloodline, I’m the illegitimate kid that could ruin Jim’s reputation if his shareholders found out about me. She doesn’t want to deal with me and she’s certainly not interested in claiming me as something she’s proud of in this life and I’m convinced that this will never change. So why now must I be shown this so heavily in my face – reliving the pain over and over as if I’m predestined to suffer and suffer more until I get the lesson? My children.

I was the same age as Josh when my mom got pregnant with Tori and though it’s not the same scenario as my ex-husband having a stroke it sure feels like the same story. My older child was forced to go at it alone and find her way into fast independence as I rode off into the sunset chasing after love. Meanwhile my younger child got left with the half-dad who had suffered a brain injury. Very much like the temperament of Roger he’s not tough. Roger drank a lot and chased after any woman who would show him love – even willing to give up his own child if the woman demanded. My son has felt that pain of rejection over and over from his dad. Meanwhile my son’s mom has been absent – working in a traveling job and hardly around. I’ve been too busy to love him the way he’s needed.

So how do I hit pause on this movie and rewrite the script here and now? How do I not turn into my mother?

First and foremost I have to see Dave through the lenses that I saw my mother’s new love. He changed her and took her away and I wanted her to be happy. I was very happy for her. But he never saw me as his daughter and didn’t want me in their life and I felt it with every fiber of my being. She chose him and his family over me. She threw me out like I didn’t exist or matter. That means Dave has to either become the man who wants to love my children as if they’re part of me because they are, or he is not the man who belongs in my life going forward. I must be firm on this and know that God will absolutely send another story-line if I reject this one and say no to repeats of my mom’s mistakes.

The man that can earn my heart must be willing and able to earn the heart of my children too and he doesn’t try to make an effort to see them as the gatekeepers of me – the woman he’s willing to walk across the dessert to love then he doesn’t belong in my life and certainly not in my bed.

Secondly, I have to put these kids back on the pedestal of my own heart. I may not have all the answers and I may not know when or how God will open a door to move in my favor to give me a better job and a home but I must hold out for it and pray for it and believe then why I say no to the partial things he will send me the whole package.

I want better for my children. They deserve better than what I received. And today as I find myself inside of a script I’ve already seen, I am boldly asking the director to rewrite it. I want the best outcome not the crumbs. I want my prince in shining armor who walks the walk of James 1:27 – ready to be a father to the fatherless, defender of the widow and a redeemer of my bloodline.

Ok….. I know what I have to do. No more crying over the counterfeit. I’m done with him.

Thank you Lord for the heartbreaking but eye opening revelation and please give me the strength to walk away from this and welcome in the better portion – in Jesus’ name amen.

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Promised Land

In speaking with my ex-husband today and praying together over the phone for protection and a path of light and life for our children, followed by watching the video back of clips from him in the hospital and his healing there-after, I realize what a gift this season was in my life personally. For the first time in my human existence on this planet, I felt free to talk about the secrets I held within myself – secrets about miracles and God. I never told anyone what God did for me when I was 17 in taking me to the Council of Heaven and giving me life in the human body when he put my consciousness back into that corpse. It wasn’t something people would accept and I knew that. I also knew when I went to the local churches seeking “my people” that the congregations didn’t carry the spiritual beliefs and knowing that I had been gifted within me.

All things are carnal in a carnally operated and ruled world here. We want proof and we need logical explanations of all things. But I knew there was another intelligence and a greater power beyond what we see and perceive. When my ex-husband was in his healing journey we were all one accord in prayer and celebrating God’s answers and provisions. For the first time in my life I felt seen, heard and like I had a team who experienced what I did.

God knows I have a dream to be a writer/producer. I want to be a storyteller who has the reach of billions of people. But I don’t want to answer to people in this because I want it to be HIS assignment in truth and honor to who the Lord truly is. Since I’ve been here I’ve watched Tamra writing endlessly to create scripts for people to pick apart in meetings. She’s waiting on approvals, calibrators, agents and movie stars to buy-in on her ideas and ultimately that makes those people gods over what she’s been given in vision of her heart and ideas.

I don’t feel like my story is mine to give away to anyone. No matter how much money is offered or what big names might participate with me, who am I to take something God put on my heart, gave for me to witness and experience in my life and then sell it off for someone to butcher it for the sake of money? I do want to be blessed and I believe it’s God’s will to bless me abundantly. But even then I know that the blessing is his gift and his alone – not by my human powers. So, I want to make sure I know what he wants to do with it when he does move these mountains.

If he wants me to bless my ex-husband I hope to know the exact amount he should be given and if he wants to bless a stranger on the road I want my heart to hear the voice of the Lord and answer the call. I want that kind of connection with God again – now and forever guided by the Holy Spirit and unspotted by this world.

I know our son misses his family and my daughter too. In truth I miss us all too. In a time and space in time we are always family and always will be. Regardless of space or distance and even divorce there is nothing that can destroy what was ruled and reigned by the miracle of God’s love. And even as I type this, as I know my lips may never speak it out-loud, my heart hopes that J-Senior always knows how special his placement in my life was and will be forever more. He was my best friend and he was my rock in times of trouble. He may not have the solutions or be able to protect and provide for our children but he’s God’s son, the father of my children and he was the love of my life for many decades. I don’t hate him. I wish the best of God’s gifts, healing a testimony of all he has overcome by the Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior.

I feel like social media and AI is a type of alien invasion on this planet that kills, steals and destroys the love of families – hitting us each differently. It teaches children to believe Google instead of the loving hearts of their parents advice. It teaches parents to seek therapy to know how to raise their own children from sources that could never begin to know the love that counsels a mother’s heart. It teaches husband’s and wives that the grass is greener on the other side and floods our eyes with pornography and temptation. I know I ate from that tree – thinking my prince in shining armor was a man I met off myspace who swooped in to save the day and heal my heart; leaving me more broken and confused than ever before. I suppose all of us are appointed seasons of temptation and testing and maybe we’re all even meant to fail so that we can open our hearts and sew many prayers in the form of tears asking God to put us back on the path of Glory.

My face feels red hot with fire today and I wonder if this is the fire of the Holy Spirit coming back into me today – as Moses saw the face of God in a burning bush and I felt frequently when I wrote the book about My Father’s answer to my prayers. I say Yes to speak the truth of what I hear, see and witness in the days to come.

My son is alive. For the first time today I learned that on May 2nd, he put a gun to his head and his father tackled him to save him and get the weapon from his hands. He said he cried all night praying out to God to save our boy. He begged the Lord to move fast and mightily and cried out that he would do anything to not have to bury his baby boy. A few hours later, my son woke him up with a car packed full of the things he could gather and he was on a cross-country drive to California.

It hasn’t been easy on me since he got here. He’s spewed a lot of venom from his lips of hatred towards me and the stench of death attacks his words frequently. But he’s alive and I know inside he’s battling those demons with a heart full of gold and love buried deeply within. I’m grateful he didn’t have to taste death to find God’s weapons war’ing in his favor. I’m grateful he’s not telling a suicide story from a hospital room and that I never got that call his father feared was on the brink of manifestation. I’m grateful God is still today, yesterday and tomorrow – until forevermore answering our prayers and hearing the cries of his children. I’m grateful that through it all I’m still praying. All of this horrible loneliness, darkness and despair couldn’t kill the seed of faith God planted in me. Even when I don’t hear him. Even when I seek him with my whole heart and can’t feel him near me. Even when I pray until my hand can barely write another word, HE still stirs me to speak to him, keep asking, keep walking in faith and believing that every prayer my heart has sent to Heaven is heard, cared for and being answered in ways I can’t even imagine possible.

The same God that planted me in the stomach in a teenage girl through tragedy and caused me to be born to overcome 2 deathly illnesses – introducing me to this world as a survivor, is still on the throne. The same God who heard my heart cry out in death at 17, when I didn’t even have the strength to lift my head or cry out for help – who heard me, lifted me out of the body and into the Heavens and gave me hope and a future then resurrected me into that dead body and brought me back to life again is still on the throne. The same God who rescued me when I was paralyzed after a horse accident and told I may never walk again – that GOD who gave me the strength to get up and walk again is still on the throne. The same God who saw me weak, drugged and poisoned in a barn of a Colorado backside to a horse track and divinely removed me and guided me by angels all the way back to Houston is still on the throne. That same God who saved J-Senior, healed him and gave him life and then healed our son of GHD as we praised him and celebrated his miracles is still on the throne. That God is driving my son from Dana Point to me tonight and flying him home to his Dad to tomorrow – He’s still on the throne.

I’m not proud of us. I’m not proud of the fact that it took us almost losing my son to pick up the phone and have a civil conversation. I’m not proud that we allowed our pride and egos to destroy the love we had for these kids in showing them how much they mean to us. I’m not proud that my own hurt and pain led me into the arms of a man who just wanted to use me for sex rather than attending to the children that needed me in their times of need. I’m not proud that I put all of my focus on healing myself for the sake of finding love again in a man when my greatest love I’ve ever known on this planet lies within the connection I have to my children. I’m not proud that I’ve leaned on my kids as my strength and worked dead-end jobs, unable to pick myself up and find a reason to see a future that offers anything good and I’m not proud of selfishness I allowed to overcome me.

I don’t want to be a flight attendant. I don’t want to be anything other than God’s story-teller. But all this time I’ve been trying to find good stories to tell the good news, he’s been trying to write his story upon my heart. This is where redemption begins. Forgiveness. Hope. Faith. And above all – love.

There’s a song that Hillsong United performs called NEW WINE. The lyrics speak of laying down your life and your own hopes and dreams to be what God wants you to be – the thing he designed each of us to do. To find his will is to find true life and I’m reminded of that right now. I want to walk in God’s will. I want to walk in God’s life for me and his light that leads me to that path. I hope I see it now and never lose sight of again. I hope love is restored tonight and my son receives healing where he needs it the most – in his heart.. and in his soul. And I have this feeling that as God restores all that was broken and lost in him, that there will be a restoration in us all. We’re all connected after all, by the same thing… God’s love.

Imagine it…

I’m on the beach holding my daughter’s hands as we close our eyes and join our hearts to pray…

“God, your word says where two or more are gathered in your name you are in the midst of us…” and we prayed for Josh. And on this same night, he puts a gun to his head and his father lays in bed all night in a puddle of tears praying out to God to heal and help his son Josh. How did we all get aligned on the same day – May 2, 2025? How did we all feel the stirring to join our hearts in love for this boy on the same night? How did he wake up the next morning with an undying desire to get in his car and drive 24 hours to get to me in California? How did Glenn have it arranged in his thoughts to call me and invite me to surf and then flip the script and invite Josh to sleep on his couch when he arrived?

God truly does go before us and make a way. He truly does answer our prayers and make a way where there was no way. God truly does author our stories in the very moments when we feel that all hope is lost – in that moment of powerlessness and surrender he moves and he moves mightily.

I asked God in meditation a few days ago what he wanted me to do – for him. He showed me three visions. The first formed as it looked like vegetables and salads with greens on top. I thought it meant to eat healthy and clean. The second vision I saw a plane flying. The third I saw a notebook page. He knows that I feel unsettled and underutilized in flying on these trips and he knows that I’m struggling to know what my diet should consist of and he knows I write letters every day. He also knows that I built a prayer sandbox on the day that we asked for healing over my son. So, I will do what he shows me even though it doesn’t make sense to me now.

I want a home for me and my son and a promised land as I’ve been shown is in my future. I want my dog back to live with me and my kids here and healed. And if it’s God’s will I hope their father will have a beautiful home too – here if that’s what he chooses.

In the meantime, I will do my best to be obedient to what God has shown me. I will keep flying and keep writing and trying to stay in good health away from meats and processed foods. I will do my best to cherish each day he gifts me on this earth and glory in the small moment where I feel love and I feel loved – even if that’s been a daily battle for years I believe he’s restoring my heart and I’m so thankful he knows best what I need now.

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Online Scam

Tamra showed me a guy she’d been talking to from a dating site. She told me a couple of weeks ago that his image had appeared to her in a dream before she met him online. “Maybe it’s too good to be true,” she said to me. I remember when she told me about seeing in his image in a dream how I’d made so many decisions based on an image in a dream too. Well, many of them.

David was in my dream in 2019. I thought it meant he was sent from God to love me. That dream made me trust it and that trust made me follow dream upon dream until I finally ended up here with nothing. I have no relationship with him and as I type this I feel so stupid in the most recent events as it’s pretty clear this man has been playing me like a chess piece. He freaked out when he saw that I had a video of him snoring in bed, not because he’s insecure but because he’s hiding something. He won’t allow me to know his address. He disappears for days at a time and back in February after the big night at the Malibu rocks when I tagged him in a picture he immediately took it down and then I received a message from a blocked account telling me that he was a player and she was seeing him too.

Why have I chosen to keep my eyes covered and pretended to believe in him? Is a story that powerful?

I also had the S man appear in several dreams. And I guess that fantasy is the reason I push so hard to have my book turned into a film. I believed if I could just do the things that I saw in a fictionary vision then I could receive the reward on the other side. How foolish of me…..

I don’t want to dream anymore. I don’t want to allow myself to keep believing in fables and lies. I have hurt myself so much in hoping for things that clearly aren’t real.

Foolish girl. Stop it.

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Wall of Hope

All I have right now of my children is a wall of photos. My son is Dana Point and he’s asked me to not call him anymore. When we speak he’s angry and lashes out at me for trying to help him with jobs and doctor appointments. Yesterday he told me that Glenn was giving him money to do chores around the house. I said, “that’s good,” and he started screaming at me, “No! Don’t say that! Nothing is good. When are you going to understand that nothing is ever good in my life!” I told him I had to go and ended the call then laid there in tears for several hours there-after.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever felt inside – to be disconnected from my own child in such an extreme way, where it seems that I’m the enemy in his eyes. I pray Glenn is the angel sent into his life by God. I pray that the words of the Bible, “All things are working for your good,” are true of this situation here and now.

I fight with myself 24/7 trying to find a plan. I pray and ask God to give me a home for my kids and for my dog to come back to me. I beg God to give me a career and a new door open that will grant me financial freedom and allow me to quit the airline job that I hate. I beg God to give me love and people who are good for me and who don’t judge me and look for what’s wrong with me but instead look for what’s good about me.

Last night I sent a video clip to D of him snoring. I thought he would crack up laughing and make a silly joke about himself or the noise his nose was making in the video. We used to laugh. He used to take himself so lightly and it gave me a safe space to do the same. He instead attacked me with viscous words and told me that I was weird and he called me “gross” for mocking the way he responded to me.

For so long now, everyone in my life has played the role of a fault finder. I am the one to blame for everything – even breathing it seems. My personality is unwanted, my desire to laugh and feel connected to others is unwanted. My ideas are casted down and no one listens to me. I wonder as I type this is Tamra will even read the book and script I sent. We did have an agreement that if I did her artwork she was going to help me submit my book to others. She said I would need to take the God and Jesus stuff out for it to be appealing to others. I know this is her speaking what’s true because I’ve been told that many times before. No one wants to hear about Jesus in stories. My writing isn’t welcome in Hollywood because here the God is a manmade kingdom.

My very life is on this planet today because Jesus woke me from death. Literally, I was dead as a doornail and not a single human came for me on the floor of my mom’s dining room. Jesus woke me and I didn’t even know that until decades later on the floor passed out in my master bedroom as my ex-husband’s head was covered in blood and I searched for my phone to call 911. That’s when he took me back in time. That’s when he spoke to me who he was and is. That’s also the place where I’d written the book of Skyla. The same bathroom floor.

I don’t feel good. I never do. I’m overly burdened by bills and problems and I don’t know how to uncover myself from any of it. I want to not walk alone anymore. I want someone in my life who honors the Lord and has also walked through the tribulations and trials and found the truth of who he is. I don’t want to hide my stories anymore. I don’t want to be hated and despised by the ones I thought were in my life to do life with me.

I reached out to a real estate man today who went up against the NAR in lawsuit over seller rights to sell properties outside of the MLS. He said he’d call me later. If he does I hope God does something amazing with this talk and opens a door for me to help the Sullivans sell their home. I need the money so badly. I also need a new outlet. I need something to believe in and people there with me who aren’t scared to take on the systems of this world and the injustices. The control. The hierarchy. The money that rules over bribery and wrongdoing.

I only know to keep trying and keep praying. I only know to keep walking in faith but I really really don’t have much strength left. Even today I couldn’t go to work. I’m too tired. I’m exhausted.

My main prayer above all is to have my hope renewed. I need Jesus to let me know he’s still here and he still sees me. I need Jesus to appear to me and show me his presence and his plans. I need to know that I’m loved and not forgotten. I need to know that he’s not mad at me. I need to know that he hasn’t abandoned me. I need to know that he hasn’t turned his face against me. I need to know that I’m loved, forgiven and held.

I just sit here each day waiting. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to spend my time. I don’t know how to enter the Lord’s rest and I don’t know how to receive blessings when it seems like everything in me and around me is out of place and unsettled. I feel alone and broken. I feel like a boat without an oar. I feel like a woman walking in the dark without a lighthouse ahead to guide me home. I feel like a castaway, a throw-away and a forgotten in a world that has no need for me or place for me anymore. I feel unimportant in every means of the word.

I’m so tired of failing. I’ve tried everything….

I’ve tried everything to make peace with my ex-husband and to have a God-centered common view with him to be the best we can be for our children. That only got me used, stollen from, mocked and blamed.

I’ve tried everything to help my son. That only got me cursed at and yelled at and he demanded I leave him along and not call him anymore.

I’ve tried everything to find a job here. No one has hired me and the 2 offers I did have ended up in no real payment or investment in me made.

I’ve tried everything to heal my relationship with my mother. Nothing has worked.

I’ve tried everything to make Dave love me and have peace in my relationship with him. Nothing has worked.

None of my relationships have worked despite my trying…… and I just received a message from Prophet Russ…

It says, “I am a big God. I can do things beyond your imagination. And it says I should not allow the falls of the past or the doubts of today to stop me from boldly going forward… But what is that I want to do?

I want to be the story of justice for the widows and the fatherless. I want to be the evidence that good wins and love wins and our loving Father takes all the wrongs and makes them right. I want to live as a testimony that the Lord loves us – the unwanteds of the world and creates miracles in our path and gives us favor to uplift us as the humble and meek in this land. I want to write the book of this truth in my daily walk.

He uses the broken… and makes the broken his most beautiful masterpiece of all. I want to be the story of David that the world thought was weak and unqualified to do anything good. I want to be the foolish thing that confounds the wise. I want to be the one that everyone who passed up and looked over sees risen and says, “Wow, how did I not see her? Why did I pass her up? Why did I treat her like she was nothing?”

I hope this man calls me and I hope God leads the conversation divinely and opens a door I can’t even imagine to an opportunity that’s amazing and exceedingly great for me. What if this talk is the start of a new opportunity in luxury real estate here in California? What if this man becomes my new Doug Erdy? What if the breakthrough I’ve been praying for is today?

The word says that the Lord will give back to me everything that was stollen from me. I open my heart the best I can today to receive this and I hope and I pray for good news today. God knows I’m doing my best to keep chasing, keep calling, keep following whatever I can.

Revelation 3:7 says … He will set a table for me and put them at my feet to worship me. And they will know the Lord loved me. I ask for this to start now – my climb up to begin now. I don’t deserve to be alone and hated and made small I don’t have evil intentions in my heart. I have loved and I have tried my best to do everyone right. I try to be honest and not lie to people and I try to create peace always. I need a break Lord Jesus. I need a day of the mourning to end. I pray that could be today. I need a win Lord.

Thank you.

In Jesus’ name – Amen

Lord – please do something good with my life. Please do it now. Show me I have purpose to be here and that you’re not done with me yet.

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Vision of Love

I was reminded of my son’s vision. He was healed on a beach, had a woman who loved him on his couch at home and he worked construction. This isn’t my place to touch what’s on his heart. That’s God’s design and will at work.

Likewise, I have one too – a dream. A vision of love.

Maybe it’s been too long for me to remember what it feels like to be in that aura.

It was prophesied that we’d both go through this. We’d have to endure in patience and we’d have little strength left but then the LORD would open a door that no man can shut and we’d be elevated beyond our wildest dreams. God is love. I look up and know that my savior is coming. Today I hope.

Let all things be made new and the house of Philadelphia be vindicated, victorious and made as a pillar in the kingdom of God as it is done now in the earth. Jesus is king. Jesus returns now as the lion. Jesus now rules forever and ever amen. By the blood of immortality and I wear this blood as his daughter. My son is saved. It is done.

Location: Philadelphia

Song: I had a vision of love Mariah Carey

Color – red

Victory – sweet

Today – I will also hear from David. Much is happening now and hearts are being changed by God. Human ego is being destroyed and the refining fire is completed in us. I welcome love. I am love. I do love. I see love. I live in eternal love as the essence of God’s blueprint of all that is and will be forever more.

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He’s Gone

It’s 12:37 a.m. in Philadelphia – home of the Eagles. Just two days ago I told Josh on the drive from LAX after we dropped his sister off at the airport and went to the parking lot to feel the jets landing above us my connection to the house of Philadelphia. It’s the 3-7 in the Bible that I etched in wood 4 years ago from the home I rented in Laguna Niguel.

Revelation 3:7 is a message to the church of Philadelphia from Christ who’s eyes are burning with fire – the LION who holds the 7 stars and the 7 candlesticks in his hand. He says that he will cause all who have hurt us to worship at our feet. He says that he will show the world that he has loved us. He says that we will be saved from the hour of temptation.

I may not understand what this means but I saw his eyes lit up as I explained the “phoenix” on fire and my long felt connection to this tribe of flying beings. I didn’t mention the vision I had when I was cracked out of my human body and saw myself as the fire being – beautiful and powerful beyond my own words. I am one of them. I believe he is too.

Tonight I realized that I was conceived on his birthday. And if not, then God wanted me to see it this way as I counted back 9 months from the date I was born to August 17, 1978. His license plate is 78 and 37. Coincidence? I think not.

He doesn’t know that every man I’ve ever encountered on this planet has let me down. He doesn’t know that he’s my last hope in redeeming the idea that I could be loved and could trust a man here on this planet. He’s my seed. And yet today, I heard his mouth spew hatred, horrible words, accusations, blame and a package of swords too sharp for my heart to not be pierced.

How can he hurt me with his tongue like that? I don’t know.

Hours later Tamra called and told me that Josh was leaving. He told her that he needed to be alone as he packed his things for Glenn’s house. Why would he want to go there? The man that has been threatening me for weeks and refused to pay me the money I was owed is where he wants to go live? A complete stranger who’s talked crap about me in every way he possibly can is where my son chose to live tonight.

This is dejavu backtrack 6 years ago when he left with his dad. He was the reason I fought his dad – furious at what the man was doing to him and the way he was using him to hurt me. And yet he left me to be with that. And here he does the same thing and I don’t understand why.

I asked from my heart as anger and confusion pushed hot tears from my eyes, “God why is this happening?” and immediately received the song, “Just let go, let it go let it go, let it flow… Everything’s going to work out right you know,” from Tony Braxton. So tonight that’s certainly my prayer – that everything works out right. I hope he finds a good job and I hope he’s safe. I hope he’s cared for and feels my love even when I can’t see him or talk to him. I hope God does a miracle in a situation that seems far from ideal and perfect in this peculiar turning of events.

Both Scott and Dave are in Arizona. One was watching The Oakridge Boys from a Casino and the other is writing a book and trying to heal from a rare neurological condition. Not that either of them play a role in the next chapter of God’s plan in my life but in the now moment I have no others that I speak to or think about. The Scott who’s appeared in my dreams isn’t in this picture – but connected to one of them. He’s the reason we spoke in the first place online.

Whatever happens next, I feel is completely out of my hands. But my heart battles for goodness and cries out nonstop for God to work miracles in my son’s path and in mine too. Perhaps that’s what is meant to be right now. I am to be silent with my lips – unseen and unheard with weapons that don’t require human speech or action. I pray for Josh to get a great job, be protected and be led by angels to a breakthrough beyond anything I could do. As I am powerless in this moment, I pray that my prayers are met with swift happenings of a magnitude only God could be responsible for. And as for my secret 37 promise that was spoken to me at my 37th birthday; I pray that I see the gift of this soon too. I don’t even know who he is, let alone how to win his heart or meet him in my journey. God will have to reveal that to me and so I retreat now and stop trying to convince anyone to love me. I won’t message D or S and I won’t post on instagram seeking attention. I will be Anasilan and watch the Lord work.

There is so much love underneath this sky tonight and I ask for the power of my Father in Heaven to shake this earth and the heavens to let love be the reason these words will have merit. This is the story of hope when all looks impossible and ruined. This is the story of faith without any physical evidence of anything good incoming. I don’t know what job I’m to work, what person I’m to lean on or what future I’m to look forward to.

But God’s word says that his plans for me are good.

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