Lawlessness

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The law was killed on the cross. He came to fulfill the law and then we were given much time to contemplate what that means. To lose the desire to war over another but instead to love. To have no expectations in love, to carry no blame towards others and to never see ourselves as a victim to the stories within our lives is to know that none of it truly matters because we are eternal in him.

We always have the chance to begin again. We always have another chapter awaiting us and we always have new love branching forth from the seeds of what we lose. And if I can know this, then what reason do I have to fear love? Let it come, let it flow and if it’s time let it go. Then welcome it again.

Today I have love in places that cause pain because I look back and ask myself if there’s anything I didn’t do or could’ve done more. And then I guilt myself for what I know is still love. I don’t hate anyone – even those who hurt me the most still occupy a part of my heart and I’m grateful for the experiences we had together. And I know I have to let that be as it is. It’s beautiful in its own way.

I also have new love that’s not yet defined. It might grow into something beautiful or it might just fade away into the foggy clouds of the unknown that lingers in all things that come, go and we let flow. I have learned that holding on tightly doesn’t make it so. And running away doesn’t make it disappear. Because love lives on the inside of us and so wherever we go, there it is with us. I have also learned that I can’t fix everything that’s broken and not all pain is meant for me to see and do. But maybe I’m just meant to hold a space of empathy and be a good listener without a response when no solution is given to me.

Dare I saw that Lawlessness is Love? No boundaries. No rules. No judgements. No required outcome. A beautiful broken mess of something growing, changing and evolving in a space where there is nothing I need to label as wrong. It’s just God’s masterpiece unfolding before me. And if I judge nothing outside of myself then perhaps I will no longer have the need to judge myself.

In all things, only God knows my heart. He knows I want the best for everyone and would never in my truest form wish pain or suffering upon another. I may not have the same draw to the ones who walk in pride but there is nothing to give someone who believes they need for nothing. So what purpose do I have with these? It’s in the ones who have a need that we can give of ourselves and therefore experience the love within our own beings. To be still and be quiet and wait for the invitation to give our love is quite the challenge for me.

I love giving. If I could spend the rest of my days giving I’d be a very happy woman. To cause another to feel good or to wear a smile is the most beautiful experience I’ve found in this life. There is nothing greater than this one thing. It is the fruits of thy labor, even if the moment is brief it is nonetheless magnificent.

In this second day of my fast as I seek to empty my cup and be baptized by the living water that cleanses me from all that I leave behind and creates in me a space for the new, I ponder what resurrection means to me. I believe it means seeking a higher love; being made ready to receive more of that beautiful substance called love that shines so bright it has the capacity to transform even the darkest of rooms. It’s why I came here to California. Love. I followed a seed that was planted in my heart and I prayed and believed that it would be watered in this place somehow. The scripture that was circulating in my thoughts without ceasing was this…..

18“Do not call to mind the former things; pay no attention to the things of old. 19Behold, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert. 20The beasts of the field will honor Me, the jackals and the ostriches, because I provide water in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to My chosen people.… – Isaiah 43:19

So here I am; once again tested with the option to go back or walk forward now believing that God is doing something amazing that I can’t yet see. Texas was my home and where I have so much love for those God gave to me to love in the first half of my life. But to walk through the ashes of yesterday over and over again, wishing to relive a past that’s left me far behind is to not trust that God is doing a new thing now.

I wait upon the Lord and ask my heart to be courageous and know that love will never deceive me. To follow love is never a mistake. To hope for love is very reason hope exists. To walk in faith for love is to seek the kingdom within and to be rescued by love is the ultimate Promised Land on the other side of all the pain endured along the path.

Maybe I live in the pages of a Hallmark movie as many would call naive and foolish. But I’d rather believe in the story of love than to cast my pearls before swine and give all that I am to the temporary pleasure in being rewarded with material possessions. In my heart I believe one doesn’t exist without the other. If love is the foundation of my purpose then love will reward me with all the desires of my heart inside and outside. Love is my reason. Love is my flame that sparks creativity for new ventures and love is my home that can never be uprooted or destroyed.

Let me be love as my Father in Heaven is love and his will is for not one to be lost and separated from Love.

So my prayer today is that God would wash away all that’s not love inside of me. And that I will be made new, like a little child who’s never before known what it’s like to bleed. I pray that my heart will be made fearless and I will have nothing in me that doesn’t speak, do and shine love’s bright light out into everything I touch.

May LOVE be the only law that governs me from this day forward.

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To Write the Truth

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The last 24 hours have been quite amazing and as I begin this post, I am compelled to write what I have just scribbled onto a notebook pad.

“Write the truth and the whole truth.. My Blessings & My Fury”. – Said the Lord to me.

“I promise and say yes to documenting everything you do with every person, client, transaction and every story.” – I responded.

Then I wrote $200. This is a number that sent me into a night of suicide by death when I was 17 years old as I’d worked to collect this amount to help a friend who I found out was in jail – my teenage crush. This was also the number I received when I sold a video console to in Miami to a young aspiring film-maker who had just received an offer to film a documentary for a man who was going to build a restaurant franchise from nothing in a 90 day window.

I’ve never liked speaking what I consider to be bad. I don’t like lying, manipulation, murder, bullying or horrible acts that people commit upon one another. I specifically don’t like talking about the bad things people have done to me; when I’ve been lied to or hurt in some way. But today I understand as I woke up and felt the desire to pull a devotional from the Bible which led me to Ezekiel 7.9; that when God calls someone to speak truth, this calling isn’t about what the person with the pen in her hand wants to write. It’s about acting as a court reporter in a room who doesn’t think about what is taking place but only reports all that is said and witnessed. As the “inkhorn” who walked next to the man in white linen, (Jesus Christ), I accept the assignment today to report all that I witness from this day forward.

So let’s start here. August 29th, 2025

This morning I had my coffee, did my devotional and found Ezekiel 7:9 which speaks about a very troubling time in Jerusalem. God shows Ezekiel the hearts and prayers unspoken by the Priests (horrible abominations), he shows him the buying and selling of goods that are alive, (I knew it was the selling of women and children) and he shows him the women weeping, (I knew it was the widows). By the way, God showed me that widows means any woman who’s lost her husband by death or who has been put away by him in divorce; discarded as if unto death.

Then Roger called me; my friend from Houston who opened a business using the vision I was given in 2020 to create Armored Real Estate (after the scriptures that speak of the armor of God). We talked about these things and in that discussion I saw the two doorways that are not open yet. Let me elaborate on this for a moment.

Today, I live in a room I rent from a script writer in Woodland Hills California. I work as a flight attendant and live paycheck to paycheck. I’ve lost everything that I once called my blessings. I cared for a husband in his health crisis and then he divorced me 3 years after his accident. I lost my son in the divorce, who was only a few weeks short of 18 and wanted to go with his dad because he said I was too strict and didn’t let him have any fun. My daughter stayed with me as I moved around the country in a horrible dark place of mourning and then she moved on in March of 2025 to get her own place in Florida as I was relocated the very next day to LA on my job.

If I were to be honest about my life today, I’d tell you a parable about a beautiful house that burned down and nothing was left but the ashes as memories of what once was full of love, laughter, success and joy. Through my times of need I’ve been rejected by family, friends, church connections and even my own children in ways that are so heartbreaking it’s hard to speak it. I only have left myself, this laptop and a few friends who check on me now and then. So I’m certainly not in a position that anyone in their right mind would wish for or aspire to achieve. Not today anyway.

By the way, God wants me to point out that Fury is an angel part of his wrath – tied to the message I left above in the command to speak of his blessings and his Fury.

I have a man messaging me now about a room near the ocean he has for rent. He wanted $1,800 and came back at $1,600 but he wants a deposit of $1,600, which I don’t have. Also I’d need to buy furniture if I moved there. I told him I can only do a couple of hundred dollars deposit. Meanwhile yesterday a woman told me she has a bed and nightstands I could have if needed (she’s a woman I met on a plane about a year ago).

Also, a marketing man with a merch business messaged me earlier asking how much money I’d need to take a job with him selling for his company. I told him I’d need $95,000 to start with a draw and commission payment plan as I learned.

And finally, Roger is having health issues and says he’s stressed and needs to take a step back on some things. He might have a project for me or work arrangement.

I’m going to control none of this and let God do what he wants with all these pieces. After all, I’m saying yes to being the witness and writer – not the author of all that happens from this point forward.

I’m excited to see what God does with this today.

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Hope for the WOF House

Tonight I went to the creative event at Believe LA Church. I saw a panel of famous music producers, actresses and producers talk about their fame and the walk with God in it. Then I got home, opened my instagram with intent just a leave a note and say thank you to them but the post on my home page grabbed my attention; Angel Studios.

I had just discussed this with the producer lady as she was walking out. I told her about my book and that I’d been turned away by many because my story has too much God and Jesus stuff for Hollywood. She told me to research production companies that take faith based film stories.

So with this in mind I clicked on the link and started filling out a form for my “series” of the story I’m not even sure God wants for me to write. But a title caught my attention for a film project called Hope. It’s a true story where a woman talked a church in east Texas into adopting 77 kids that were in an adoption ring. These children were abused and some even being pimped out for sex. There was violence and drama and one line that caught my attention and hit me in the chest was,…

There are over 400,000 kids in the adoption system and ironically approximately 400,000 churches who sitting around doing nothing about this – lifting up the NAME OF JESUS every Sunday.

Meanwhile James 1:26 says the only religion undefiled before God our Father (that doesn’t make him want to puke) is to care for the fatherless and orphans and defend the widows.

If every church in this country just adopted 1 kid per church we’d end the orphan crisis in this country.

And as for the widows; that word means woman without a husband (it’s not a woman who’s husband died). These women are the uncovered and defenseless who end up getting raked over my all kinds of evil because they have no support or protection. Meanwhile the church often takes the position of calling these women filthy, prostitutes and turning them away as the root of all they call sin in the name of their marriage-based sermons.

Who he calls he qualifies – I’ve had to suffer in both of these roles to see the truth of how the fatherless and the widows are treated by society and sadly the ones who call themselves the “church”.

I cried and told God, I can’t do anything about this. I have no means to help. He said to me, when I put you in position, do not lose focus of the mission.

Heavenly Father, I will not.

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Why Malibu?

When people ask me what made me decide to move to California, I tens up and don’t know what to say. I mean, I’ve come up with all kinds of colorful little stories but the truth is, I don’t actually know the answer to this question.

There was first an experience:

On the night my Granny passed over as I first stood at Magu Point looking up at the stars with a man I thought I might be falling in love with. I later learned that we took pictures of the alignments in the Heaven at the exact time of her crossing over into Heaven exactly 3 years to the date.

Then there were dreams and visions:

I had many messages that I didn’t understand. Dreams that my ancestors were urging me to leave Houston. A vision of Christ holding a purple suitcase in his hand. And at last an open door for a job opportunity in California.

Fear drug me back:

After a few short months in my new space, the fear of my son falling apart took me back to Houston. I felt I had abandoned the one thing that mattered the most to me and he was going down the wrong path in my absence. But when I moved back I helped nothing. Everything I tried failed and I became very depressed and confused – feeling helpless and out of sorts.

Dreams took me away again:

I began having dreams again but this time about airplanes. With no other door open; even though I’d knocked on hundreds at that point, I accepted a job with an airline, went off to training and started a new chapter of life in the sky. It’s been since very lonely, trying and confusing still. I believed I was doing what God was showing me to do but I had no evidence of anything good happening in this decision.

An Open Door to Cali (again):

I felt my heart was calling me to California. I didn’t want to fully admit to myself that it was a guy who I was chasing after but he was the only voice of kindness I’d had to speak over me through these years in the wilderness alone. I had put my name in for transfers for over 2 years and had given up on LA. In fact, I decided that I might go back to Salt Lake and become a trainer. But to my surprise, I didn’t get Vegas or Salt Lake. I got LA – and exactly 1 day after my daughter had made a decision to move to another town in Florida alone. It’s as if the very day after she decided to move on and away from me, another door opened for me to come here.

May 2025 – The Script Writer:

I landed in a Roomate situation with a woman I met on a plane from LA to Miami back in February of 2024. Even that was too strange to be a coincidence. She broke up with her boyfriend on my birthday and called me out of the blue to see if I wanted to move in with her. Our common interest is storytelling and I’ve since learned she too has been through many of the trials I’ve endured – especially with her son. She didn’t know then that was my hardest heartbreak in this season.

June 2025 – The Return to Florida & The Return of the Son:

I met my daughter in Boca Raton and we went to the beach where I collected sand for a prayer box. There we held hands and prayed together for my son and her brother. That night back in LA around 2 a.m. my phone rang. It was him. He said he was in the car headed to LA and no one could stop him. We were all terrified his car would never make it. I then received a call from a friend in Dana Point who invited him to stay there with him. He arrived safely after we prayed all night with a lit candle, asking the angels to protect him and guide him. The very next morning his check engine light came on. It was quite divine I felt.

Peter and Jesus – Walking on Water:

Tonight I read through many bible passages. But when I arrived on the story of Jesus appearing as a spirit on the water, I felt something stirring inside of me. They were scared of him at first – as seeing a ghost. Then Jesus said, “Fear not, it’s me.” Peter then asked if he could come walk with Christ on that water and Christ said to him, “Come.” Peter stepped out of the boat and began walking toward Christ but when the wind picked up Peter became scared and realized he was sinking. He then cried out to Jesus, “Help me!” And Jesus did. He reached out a hand and caught him but then spoke to Peter, “You of little faith. Why did you doubt me?”

I remember Jesus saying to me in 2016 as I laid in a puddle of tears and panic on my bathroom floor searching for my phone to call 911, “How can you doubt me? I was the one who woke you.” And in that moment, he took me back to 17 years old, laying on the floor of my parents house where I was dying alone. I called out in prayer to God for help and I don’t remember seeing Jesus. But there I was nearly 20 years later with a voice of the Lord making himself fully known. He wanted me to know that it was him who saved me that night, performed a miracle and resurrected me in that teenage body.

In 2024, just before Christmas Jesus came to me in a dream. He held out his hand before me as I sat alone on the beach crying with a candle lit in prayer. I took his hand and he led me out upon the waters, across the ocean and to a faraway land where he then dusted me off (as if to dust the past off of me) and he lifted my head to the heavens where fireworks went off in the sky above. The very next night after that I was in Long Beach California where I’d just awoken from a nap after working a long flight from Miami. While on the phone with the guy from LA who I was seeing, I prayed and asked God to put a hedge of protection around me in the form of a mirror where all attacks aimed at me would bounce back to sender. The man suddenly got silent and asked out loud, “Why am I treating you like this? I’m sorry I have to go.” Then I heard the loud fireworks going off outside of the window of my hotel.

I understood that I was following a story in the Bible about a woman in the sand who everyone shamed and blamed. They stood over her as a mob holding stones chanting her death. Jesus defended her by writing in the dirt and telling the mob, “He who is without sin cast the first stone.” He only said such a thing after he had convicted them all in their own hearts and then they all left her alone. He sat that woman free from her past, a husband who couldn’t love her, men who used her and all of her accusers.

As many times as I’ve read that story and thought through the strange messages I’ve received from God in the past to do things like, build a sandbox and surrender my worries to him in that space, I’ve continually asked the question to God, “What happened to the woman after they all left and no one was left to condemn her?” And I’ve never felt like I received an answer. But I suppose this dream gives me some insight. Maybe the only answer is, “She became free and began again.” Isn’t that what the fireworks display represents to us here? Independence Day? New Year?

But it seems the coming of my son has brought the hardest trial of all. He was the one I thought belonged here with me. I’ve had visions of this too. I saw him happy and in love at what seemed like a celebration at my house (a home where I was with my person who hasn’t yet been revealed to me). And my inner guidance felt very much that the vision was in California. So why would my baby boy come to California spewing accusations, hatred and blame upon me? Just as all the others before him but with more vengeance and pain than all of them combined.

I’ve felt the guilt pulling me back where I was before in a mindset of giving up and going back to Texas. But I did that last time and I learned that nothing changed. I fixed nothing by moving there and re-entering the past. Well, almost nothing. It was in this season I discovered that I may be walking inside of a prophecy given to me years ago – a story I wrote in the form of a novel idea 10 years ago. That just made me feel more crazy and confused however. It was a feeling of a hope fleeting. Well I guess that’s what Peter experienced too when Christ said, “Come.” and then the winds began to roar as our thoughts stir violently with doubts. And that’s when we start sinking.

Tonight I just hope to remind myself that Christ said come. In so many ways on so many occasions he said “Come.” Through strange appearances of the cross during epic moments like the Evenescence concert and the full moon from the Getty with a cross lit up bright and the Hollywood sign burned out. These little things seem small to anyone other than me but it’s not so much the signs as it is the arrival upon the asking. When I’m feeling the most at awe with God I seem to see these little winks from Heaven in my path.

So why am I in California?

I saw a ghost in a dream who said “Come.” And so here I am. I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what happens next. I pray continuously for my son to be healed and for the accuser to be removed from him over me. I pray for love and a new chapter where I’m no longer the woman who carries the burden and blame of others as they cast stones with their mouths at me. I pray for purpose and a season of celebration in my life in which I can truly feel appreciated, not for performance but just because I exist as God made me. I pray for the vision to come into my real life where I’m in that beautiful backyard with a man who cherishes me, treats me kindly, makes me laugh and loves me, really loves me. And to see my son there visiting us too with love and joy in his heart and in his life too.

And until that day comes, I pray for the faith to keep walking with my eyes fixed on Jesus, ignoring the noise and the wind (satan is the prince of the air) and a sound mind that only hears the call of the Lord who commanded me to “come.”

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Anxiety is not my portion

Spent hours trying to fix my Texas drivers license situation. So many things go wrong with Texas. I also feel the fear from the home owner and my family there – all talking about warnings and death. I don’t want to live in that. I heard a woman years ago say if it brings you anxiety it’s not your calling. You’re out of alignment. Maybe or maybe not. But I can’t fix this stuff.

God you rescued me before. Please do it again and in completion this time. I see myself doing with my son what I did with his Dad. Rewarding the bad behavior, letting guilt and shame pull me down into a pit where I die so they can use me. The lazyness and not wanting to work and to put all their burdens on me. Help me to say no and give me something beautiful to celebrate in new love.

I have to accept that if your will is to do something with my son that I don’t like, he’s your kid, before my kid. I don’t know his path and what you are doing with him. I ask you to heal him and I ask you to make him a strong man but I am so tired Lord. I have tried everything for years and years so please help me to lay this down and be done with it.

I surrender my son to you Lord. I surrender my son to you Lord. I ask you to break me free of these chains of guilt and shame and to cause him to go his own way and rise up as a man should rise up not leaning on his mother as his source and his punching bag.

Help me to let this go and show me how to carry forward in what you want to do with me and my life. Help me to see the pathway of freedom and love. Help me to learn the lessons I learned with Kenna and to step away and let you do a mighty work and help me to stop thinking about this and worrying.

Thank you for Glenn, Lord let Josh get help from Glenn to learn how to book his flight and get to the airport. Please release me from this completely today.

I don’t want to be their savior lord, I need saving. I need your healing. I need your love. I need your provisions. I need your help out of this and into better days. Please save me and release me and give me hope and a future God.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

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Dreams 818

I had a dream last night I recall only a little of. In my dream I saw Tamra cleaning her house and removing rugs to sweep up all the stuff underneath it. I felt bad in the dream because I didn’t clean the floors before she got home.

Then I had a dream that Dave called and said something about loving me. I was pre-occupied and asked if he could repeat it and he started talking about how he does love me and he sounded like he was struggling to express what he wanted to say but asked me if he could come pick me up – go for a drive.

In another part of the dream we both called out for work and I was thinking I had no other job to fall back on if I lose that job.

I woke up and saw the runner girl from SD on my feed doing a bikini photoshoot. She’s 47 and I found her because a girl I flew with was talking about how she’s so pretty and in such good shape at her age so I copied her account to follow her. It’s interesting only a few people commented on her post. One “you look great girl” and she responded indicating it was from her massage therapist. This is reminding me of my season in Houston when I was only supported in my healing by my massage therapist, the pilates instructors and essentially the ones who were part of the upward journey. It seems your friends, family and people who loved you while you were a sick wounded bird don’t like seeing you get better. We don’t celebrate the resurrection of others when we’re down.

I then talked to myself for a few minutes about how the vape makes me feel. And I want to stop doing it.

I would like to set a goal for myself to do a bikini photoshoot. But I have to remember that the only people who will celebrate me in that are me and God. Maybe he will send a few others who will be part of it and feel good with me. To break addiction, feel better and get my body and soul QUICKENED by the Holy Spirit once again is a single mission of a warrior who listens only to a Father in Heaven who desires to see me walk in my path as a whole and complete healthy woman.

I keep thinking about “Rogers Will” and Will Rogers that day I went to roller blade at the beach and the beautiful girl I’ve seen twice now who is walking out there. She looks like she spends a ton of time working on her body and she’s so beautiful, smiling and confident. I don’t know what she does for work but she looks free and amazing and so very pretty.

Last night listening to Billy Graham and other messages I just felt very convicted that I’ve been surrounded by people who only talk about fear, death, sickness and the end of things. I don’t feel that God is preparing me for a hospital and I feel very out of alignment when I engage with these discussions. In my visions I saw myself happy, in love and wearing a red swimsuit.

I’ve walked in the valley and I’ve served and I’ve laid my life down and I don’t want to stay stuck down there. I want to be a testimony of what God has done. But I also know that all I’ve tried to do myself doesn’t work. If Dave comes back a humbled man confessing his love for me it’s not because I did anything. All of my efforts have failed. If God opens a door for us to do something together that requires us to quit our jobs that will be a door that God opens because I’ve applied for a million jobs and tried everything to get myself into a better or different place than where I’m at.

I’ve seen that new love heals, inspires, motivates change and pulls out of of the ashes. And Papa I believe planted a seed for something. He said he prayed nonstop for God to send me my partner to love me. I believe God is answering those prayers. And the person will be tied to my purpose.

The most aligned I’ve ever felt with a man is in season we had a common goal. When God gave us Kenna we became a team to raise and support her. When God gave us the falling away of our jobs with Jim we were picked up in a new direction to do real estate and to learn how to build things and rejuvenate broken things (in the project of remodeling that house).

My years knowing Dave we’ve had a constant focus on health and wellness. From what foods we eat to our workout schedules and battling depression to better ourselves and not be lazy, and with mindfulness of why we do what we do and think what we think, there have been themes around silence, solitude and setbacks to regroup, adapt and keep going. And we’ve both been placed in long seasons of waiting. He’s waiting on a 71 year old to retire so he can have a shot at his dream job. I’m waiting on him to get his house in order so he can have a place prepared for me to invite me in.

I know God wouldn’t send me here for no reason. I feel turned off by everything right now and really feel like I’m being asked to go into silence and let God finish what he started in me. “He is faithful to complete the work he started in me.” I also feel God is asking me to “Be Still and know I am God.” To allow the pieces to all fall where they will and remove myself from chaos so that he can speak to my heart, guide me, quiet this storm and move me into position where my blessing are waiting.

He says, “I will fight for you, you need only be still.” “Enter into my rest.”

I’m going to write him a letter now.

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Only 3 Remain

Yesterday my Papa passed over. I went to the beach to roller blade and collected some burnt sticks and stones when I left. Then I started to craft a light I planned to make with the idea to sell it at a store. But today the image I used to turn into a logo for LL club – a marketing company that doesn’t yet exist; but I’m being asked to sell a home in Texas without listing it.

It’s interesting that the things we use to sell a home with I won’t have in my favor. It would take a miracle to find a buyer and yet, maybe that’s the kind of faith God is asking me to have in him.

I felt strongly that the concept of forgiveness was upon me – as if my Papa was with me telling me to please lay down at the cross all that I’ve carried in my heart and thoughts towards my mother. And I prayed and asked God to help me do that the whole way home. But he’s been doing it all along – showing me how my pain is very similar to what my mom went through. She’s just a child of God like me. We don’t want to hurt anyone intentionally; especially those we love the most.

Today, I want every word I’ve ever spoken about anyone to be removed and washed over in the blood of Jesus. I am so not perfect and he says no one is good except the Father in Heaven.

These branches maybe represent my process. After the fire, when everything is burnt away and left in ruin only 3 remain. Hope love and faith. And the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today is my son’s birthday and what I hope for most is for him to feel loved today. I hope he also gets hope today – something to look forward to so that he too can lay down the past and put it away. I can’t give it to him but God can.

I also don’t feel the desire to see Dave anymore. I was trying to hard to replace what I’d lost and felt abandoned by God because I feel alone. But God’s plan isn’t something I can force.

So I just do my best through the anger, the frustration, the loneliness and the guilt that I should never carry; as my righteousness in what Jesus did not what I could ever do – to lay it all down. To be grateful that I can’t earn righteousness but that the free gift he gives me is a promise that I’ll dine in paradise with him one day no matter how many mistakes I’ve made and continue to make each day. He loves me and he’s not forgotten me even when I can’t feel him near.

Maybe I’ve been pruned and everything inside of me and outside of me has been taken and destroyed to ruins… and maybe that hurt really bad today. But after the fire there is still these 3 branches that remain. And that’s a tree perhaps God can use to create new fruit and paint beauty in my ashes.

I ask for God’s guidance in this video I’m making and for the Glory of the Lord to be seen in the results.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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TTonight is Day 3

I let Dave go tonight and I thank God for the ending as they all have been changed in their hearts and convicted to let me go. Now I have a clean slate. Now I am free. Tomorrow is the first day of the beginning of miracles.

I’m excited to write and report all of the AMAZING things God is bringing into my experience and blessing me with now.

This is it. This is the new chapter. This is my new beginning and HE is the author. So it’s going to be so great. I can’t wait to see what his movie that he’s chosen me to live in will look like.

It starts now. The stage is set. The people are in their seats. It’s showtime in God’s story.

12:59 AM – Washington DC – August 11th

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No Longer Needed

I guess this how my Granny must have felt in her final days here on earth. She used to always say, “People only call when they need something. Otherwise you never hear from nobody.” I thought about it today – if I could remember ever seeing her happy. The only memories of this were from her younger years when she ran the flower shop. I remember her laughing and dancing with her sister and the crew. I remember her eyes lighting up when a child would come in and how emotionally attached she was to her customers and their stories.

She never talked about herself much. And after she got sick it seems she became bitter with the world that left her behind. No one hardly visited her. She passed away the days in pain and agony watching TV shows and sitting on a couch in her white night gown. She began to complain about all she never had or did and was upset that her husband never took her dancing or out to dinner or even to see a movie once in awhile. She had a collection of jewelry she all bought for herself – likely because the man in her life refused to honor her with gifts or affection. And she deserved better. She was beautiful, smart and the brightest light in every room.

I wonder why a prince never crossed her path and swept her off her feet. If anyone needed it, it was her.

Last night Dave sent me ugly text messages because I had tried to call him and sent him emotional long messages throughout the day. He ignored me and said he was working. But he butt dialed me and I heard his TV screen going. He wasn’t busy. He just didn’t want to speak to me. And that really hurt. I’ve always wanted a man who’s voice turns to mush when he hears me on the other line of the phone. Someone who cherishes every conversation and would drop the world to take my call. I’ve always wanted to feel wanted like that.

People say to attract love you have to first love yourself. But I’m afraid you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I don’t know how to love myself or to even feel like I’m somebody anymore without anyone loving me. I try to lean on God’s love but I can’t see him, touch him or talk to him. And my body hasn’t hold anyone to hold my hand in so many years, cuddle with me at night or love me through my hard days in so long, I don’t remember what love feels like anymore.

I guess his how Granny felt when they threw her in a home and she only had the nurses to talk to. It’s sad the way old people die alone and in her case, she did that with a husband still on this earth. So maybe that’s where I’m in this life – detaching from all that I’ve loved so dearly and the dreams I kept chasing for years upon years with no reunion of a love from the past and no new love to enter and sweep me off of my feet.

Maybe this world is done with me now. And maybe it’s time I just accept that and sit here alone until the Lord takes me home.

Tonight I pray that Jesus helps me to detach from all things that I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto. I pray that I can see what’s next and find peace in that place. I pray that I can go to sleep tonight holding myself tightly in all the places where I haven’t been held in nearly a decade.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’d rather be gone. If this world has no use for me, I pray God sends me to another one where I can again feel the love of a family, togetherness and joy in my essence of existing for a reason with community and compassion.

If my kids don’t love me and my mom doesn’t want me and the man I loved with my whole heart cringes when he sees my phone number on his screen… Then God, please take me away to a place where I can feel what it’s like again to be appreciated.

I have to wake up in a few hours to fly out again and this house is so hot right now I feel feverish. Maybe in the morning I’ll see joy again whether in this body or in another realm.

Come Lord Jesus.. Come Quickly..

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

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Cinderella

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Today, I do believe I’m Cinderella. And just like Cinderella, when her mother and her father passed away, it was the wicked stepsisters who tried to destroy her and make her a slave. And I’m also Rose in the Titanic. Everyone that the Council has shown to me is a script from my life.

Now I’m free from her. And maybe I don’t know who my prince is yet or who my Jack is, but I do know that I’m not her prisoner anymore. I pray in God’s timing my dog comes back to me. But otherwise, I never wish to see her or speak to her again.

My prayer now is to become what I was meant to become – Skyla. As shown to me by Marilynn Monroe and my father taking me to the headquarters of baywatch yesterday. Maybe I don’t know how I’ll get there just yet. But I can walk in faith and prepare my body and my mind for the next step. I want to be a big star. I want to be on TV. I want to be the icon that young girls see and they read my story and know that being casted out, unwanted and treated horribly by the parents or family members that were supposed to love you isn’t a curse its a crossroad that and we were made to rise from the ashes.

I pray that God takes every word she’s ever spoken over me in hate, jealousy and control and makes those words the ones he uses to slingshot me to the top.

She said no one likes me. I pray God makes me the most likable personality on TV.

She said my Granny is disappointed in me. I pray the angels make known their rejoicing over what I become now.

She said I’m a disgrace to my family name when I wear a swimsuit. I pray that I wear a swimsuit and everyone in my family watches me on screen saying to everyone they know, “yeah, we’re related to that beautiful being right there. That’s my genes!”

She said I’m a loser, a slob and I’ll end up homeless like her sister. I pray that I end up with maids, a star on Hollywood boardwalk with my name on it showing that I WON and I pray that I have the biggest mansion money can buy right here in paradise.

She said I’m a victim. I pray that I play a character in a movie that’s so iconic for women warriors that a sword is sold in major department stores with my name on it.

She said I’m jealous of her and Jim. I pray that I live inside of a love story in the public eyes that the entire world looks upon and says, “That’s what I want. That’s true love. That’s what I’m praying to one day find.”

Every year for Christmas… I’ll send her an autographed photo of me with an apology letter for not setting the alarm on her front door. I’ll say I’m glad your wall memorabilia worth $80k wasn’t stolen and I’ll tell her to enjoy all of her jewels.

God says he will set a table for me with those who have persecuted me and hurt me. He will cause them to come worship at my feet. I believe this, I receive this. I wait for instructions and doors to open. I speak it and I believe it. I will be a famous, iconic actress – a household name loved in every home. I will be known as the beautiful girl with a great sense of humor who is everyone’s favorite daughter.

Lord help me climb out of her shadow and set my mind, my heart and my spirit to BECOMING SKYLA.

In Jesus’ name…

Amen.

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