He’s Gone

It’s 12:37 a.m. in Philadelphia – home of the Eagles. Just two days ago I told Josh on the drive from LAX after we dropped his sister off at the airport and went to the parking lot to feel the jets landing above us my connection to the house of Philadelphia. It’s the 3-7 in the Bible that I etched in wood 4 years ago from the home I rented in Laguna Niguel.

Revelation 3:7 is a message to the church of Philadelphia from Christ who’s eyes are burning with fire – the LION who holds the 7 stars and the 7 candlesticks in his hand. He says that he will cause all who have hurt us to worship at our feet. He says that he will show the world that he has loved us. He says that we will be saved from the hour of temptation.

I may not understand what this means but I saw his eyes lit up as I explained the “phoenix” on fire and my long felt connection to this tribe of flying beings. I didn’t mention the vision I had when I was cracked out of my human body and saw myself as the fire being – beautiful and powerful beyond my own words. I am one of them. I believe he is too.

Tonight I realized that I was conceived on his birthday. And if not, then God wanted me to see it this way as I counted back 9 months from the date I was born to August 17, 1978. His license plate is 78 and 37. Coincidence? I think not.

He doesn’t know that every man I’ve ever encountered on this planet has let me down. He doesn’t know that he’s my last hope in redeeming the idea that I could be loved and could trust a man here on this planet. He’s my seed. And yet today, I heard his mouth spew hatred, horrible words, accusations, blame and a package of swords too sharp for my heart to not be pierced.

How can he hurt me with his tongue like that? I don’t know.

Hours later Tamra called and told me that Josh was leaving. He told her that he needed to be alone as he packed his things for Glenn’s house. Why would he want to go there? The man that has been threatening me for weeks and refused to pay me the money I was owed is where he wants to go live? A complete stranger who’s talked crap about me in every way he possibly can is where my son chose to live tonight.

This is dejavu backtrack 6 years ago when he left with his dad. He was the reason I fought his dad – furious at what the man was doing to him and the way he was using him to hurt me. And yet he left me to be with that. And here he does the same thing and I don’t understand why.

I asked from my heart as anger and confusion pushed hot tears from my eyes, “God why is this happening?” and immediately received the song, “Just let go, let it go let it go, let it flow… Everything’s going to work out right you know,” from Tony Braxton. So tonight that’s certainly my prayer – that everything works out right. I hope he finds a good job and I hope he’s safe. I hope he’s cared for and feels my love even when I can’t see him or talk to him. I hope God does a miracle in a situation that seems far from ideal and perfect in this peculiar turning of events.

Both Scott and Dave are in Arizona. One was watching The Oakridge Boys from a Casino and the other is writing a book and trying to heal from a rare neurological condition. Not that either of them play a role in the next chapter of God’s plan in my life but in the now moment I have no others that I speak to or think about. The Scott who’s appeared in my dreams isn’t in this picture – but connected to one of them. He’s the reason we spoke in the first place online.

Whatever happens next, I feel is completely out of my hands. But my heart battles for goodness and cries out nonstop for God to work miracles in my son’s path and in mine too. Perhaps that’s what is meant to be right now. I am to be silent with my lips – unseen and unheard with weapons that don’t require human speech or action. I pray for Josh to get a great job, be protected and be led by angels to a breakthrough beyond anything I could do. As I am powerless in this moment, I pray that my prayers are met with swift happenings of a magnitude only God could be responsible for. And as for my secret 37 promise that was spoken to me at my 37th birthday; I pray that I see the gift of this soon too. I don’t even know who he is, let alone how to win his heart or meet him in my journey. God will have to reveal that to me and so I retreat now and stop trying to convince anyone to love me. I won’t message D or S and I won’t post on instagram seeking attention. I will be Anasilan and watch the Lord work.

There is so much love underneath this sky tonight and I ask for the power of my Father in Heaven to shake this earth and the heavens to let love be the reason these words will have merit. This is the story of hope when all looks impossible and ruined. This is the story of faith without any physical evidence of anything good incoming. I don’t know what job I’m to work, what person I’m to lean on or what future I’m to look forward to.

But God’s word says that his plans for me are good.