It Ends with Me

On the other side of all the pain I’ve endured from the hands and mouth of my mother, I get to make a choice. It ends with me. I won’t sacrifice my kids for a cinderella story or make them feel like they’re shameful to be alive. I’ll never tell them that they’re the reason a man doesn’t want me (using the word baggage) and I’ll never choose someone that would make me choose. I’m a package deal no matter how old they get. They’re my children and God gifted them to me for as long as they breathe. If a man wants to be in my life he will love them as a part of me.

She is holding my dog from me and saying it’s because I hurt her husband’s feelings. This is not new. She used to beat me so bad I couldn’t walk and wasn’t able to dress out of PE class if I forget to call her new husband “dad”. And I was just a baby. I’m already more of a mother than she could ever be and I look down on her and simply don’t want to be like her.

Today I thought about all of the horrible things she’s said about everyone in her life and family over just the recent past and the clips I have on my camera that I accidentally got (filming Drako and sunsets) where she’s in the background speaking ill of her brother, her stepkids and her dad. Out of her mouth flows the truth of her heart. And I thought about what it would be like to share these things with those people. Truth illuminated. And then I thought how much more glorious it will be to just watch from a distance as she deals with it all on her own. There is a day when all of us have to face ourselves and what we’ve done to others.

I just want my kids to be good, I want my dog far away from her and I want to turn the page and close that chapter once and for all – never dealing with her or speaking to her again. What a day of freedom that will be.

So today I pray that God fights this battle for me. I pray that he makes a way, gives me a good job, a new home, gives my dog back to me in peace and brings my kids out of the rut back into love and family also. I pray that he removes her and I never have an eating disorder or panic attack again.

I pray that love, abundance, peace and glory will be my portion and according to Revelation 3:7 the ones who say they are the jews will bow down to the ones he has declared as his – the fatherless and the widows and the orphans he defends, protects and cares for.

I pray for healing and I pray for her to have zero power over my body, thoughts, relationships or my self esteem ever again. I pray for the victory over the enemy in Jesus name.