I was reminded of my son’s vision. He was healed on a beach, had a woman who loved him on his couch at home and he worked construction. This isn’t my place to touch what’s on his heart. That’s God’s design and will at work.
Likewise, I have one too – a dream. A vision of love.
Maybe it’s been too long for me to remember what it feels like to be in that aura.
It was prophesied that we’d both go through this. We’d have to endure in patience and we’d have little strength left but then the LORD would open a door that no man can shut and we’d be elevated beyond our wildest dreams. God is love. I look up and know that my savior is coming. Today I hope.
Let all things be made new and the house of Philadelphia be vindicated, victorious and made as a pillar in the kingdom of God as it is done now in the earth. Jesus is king. Jesus returns now as the lion. Jesus now rules forever and ever amen. By the blood of immortality and I wear this blood as his daughter. My son is saved. It is done.
Location: Philadelphia
Song: I had a vision of love Mariah Carey
Color – red
Victory – sweet
Today – I will also hear from David. Much is happening now and hearts are being changed by God. Human ego is being destroyed and the refining fire is completed in us. I welcome love. I am love. I do love. I see love. I live in eternal love as the essence of God’s blueprint of all that is and will be forever more.
It’s 12:37 a.m. in Philadelphia – home of the Eagles. Just two days ago I told Josh on the drive from LAX after we dropped his sister off at the airport and went to the parking lot to feel the jets landing above us my connection to the house of Philadelphia. It’s the 3-7 in the Bible that I etched in wood 4 years ago from the home I rented in Laguna Niguel.
Revelation 3:7 is a message to the church of Philadelphia from Christ who’s eyes are burning with fire – the LION who holds the 7 stars and the 7 candlesticks in his hand. He says that he will cause all who have hurt us to worship at our feet. He says that he will show the world that he has loved us. He says that we will be saved from the hour of temptation.
I may not understand what this means but I saw his eyes lit up as I explained the “phoenix” on fire and my long felt connection to this tribe of flying beings. I didn’t mention the vision I had when I was cracked out of my human body and saw myself as the fire being – beautiful and powerful beyond my own words. I am one of them. I believe he is too.
Tonight I realized that I was conceived on his birthday. And if not, then God wanted me to see it this way as I counted back 9 months from the date I was born to August 17, 1978. His license plate is 78 and 37. Coincidence? I think not.
He doesn’t know that every man I’ve ever encountered on this planet has let me down. He doesn’t know that he’s my last hope in redeeming the idea that I could be loved and could trust a man here on this planet. He’s my seed. And yet today, I heard his mouth spew hatred, horrible words, accusations, blame and a package of swords too sharp for my heart to not be pierced.
How can he hurt me with his tongue like that? I don’t know.
Hours later Tamra called and told me that Josh was leaving. He told her that he needed to be alone as he packed his things for Glenn’s house. Why would he want to go there? The man that has been threatening me for weeks and refused to pay me the money I was owed is where he wants to go live? A complete stranger who’s talked crap about me in every way he possibly can is where my son chose to live tonight.
This is dejavu backtrack 6 years ago when he left with his dad. He was the reason I fought his dad – furious at what the man was doing to him and the way he was using him to hurt me. And yet he left me to be with that. And here he does the same thing and I don’t understand why.
I asked from my heart as anger and confusion pushed hot tears from my eyes, “God why is this happening?” and immediately received the song, “Just let go, let it go let it go, let it flow… Everything’s going to work out right you know,” from Tony Braxton. So tonight that’s certainly my prayer – that everything works out right. I hope he finds a good job and I hope he’s safe. I hope he’s cared for and feels my love even when I can’t see him or talk to him. I hope God does a miracle in a situation that seems far from ideal and perfect in this peculiar turning of events.
Both Scott and Dave are in Arizona. One was watching The Oakridge Boys from a Casino and the other is writing a book and trying to heal from a rare neurological condition. Not that either of them play a role in the next chapter of God’s plan in my life but in the now moment I have no others that I speak to or think about. The Scott who’s appeared in my dreams isn’t in this picture – but connected to one of them. He’s the reason we spoke in the first place online.
Whatever happens next, I feel is completely out of my hands. But my heart battles for goodness and cries out nonstop for God to work miracles in my son’s path and in mine too. Perhaps that’s what is meant to be right now. I am to be silent with my lips – unseen and unheard with weapons that don’t require human speech or action. I pray for Josh to get a great job, be protected and be led by angels to a breakthrough beyond anything I could do. As I am powerless in this moment, I pray that my prayers are met with swift happenings of a magnitude only God could be responsible for. And as for my secret 37 promise that was spoken to me at my 37th birthday; I pray that I see the gift of this soon too. I don’t even know who he is, let alone how to win his heart or meet him in my journey. God will have to reveal that to me and so I retreat now and stop trying to convince anyone to love me. I won’t message D or S and I won’t post on instagram seeking attention. I will be Anasilan and watch the Lord work.
There is so much love underneath this sky tonight and I ask for the power of my Father in Heaven to shake this earth and the heavens to let love be the reason these words will have merit. This is the story of hope when all looks impossible and ruined. This is the story of faith without any physical evidence of anything good incoming. I don’t know what job I’m to work, what person I’m to lean on or what future I’m to look forward to.
But God’s word says that his plans for me are good.
God has been telling me for a while now to “Let go and let God” through a number of sources. He’s safe with a room and roof over his head here at Tamra’s. He needs a lot but the basic place to stay is for now secure. She’s loving and understanding of his circumstances and that’s a blessing. It’s a HUGE blessing.
He’s frustrated because everything here in So-Cal is very expensive. It’s not easy to start in a new place where you don’t know anyone and in a big city especially where everything seems scary and foreign. To let go and let God I feel means that maybe my forceful actions in trying to solve everything with my mind and my hands isn’t working out. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a role. I will do my best to act in love and keep myself calm.
I will also act in prayer – through my sandbox and through my heart.
So today, I ask God for these miracles…… as I prepare to leave on a 2-day trip:
I also ask for a heart softening for all today. Tamra’s son and boyfriend and mom have been so loving to me and my son. I ask that all barriers, fears and lies be broken in the name of Jesus. This could be the extended family divinely orchestrated and I’m grateful for it and am asking God to do miracles in our hearts.
I also ask for Andy and Kenna to have a good talk and for Andy to get that flight attendant job. I know it would be great for him and a huge weight off of everyone for him to have benefits and a good future. And I ask for Nathan’s new job to be great too. I also ask for my own health to prosper as I ask and pray and believe that God is reading my sandbox letters.
Finally, I ask for my children and dog and all in my life to be divinely protected against all evil, and to be kept safe and in the arms of God’s angels of protection, healing and divine guidance.
Ok… Gonna get ready for my trip to Maui.
Let the Lord reign and be sovreign and his will be done in the earth as it is in the heavens. Let Josh have hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).
As soon as I completed my writing in the blog last night, I received a horrible phone call from Glenn. I asked him how my son was doing and asked him if I needed to get him a hotel room since he had given his room and bed to a visitor that showed up the night before. The man told me, “No he’s fine on the couch.” Then he immediately shifted the conversation to attack me. He said that I had provided horrible work on the film festival I had spent the last several weeks creating logos, images and drafting a sponsorship deck for the team to use. “You threw this together and didn’t even read it before you sent it,” he accused. I was confused. I spent the whole day when I flew back from my last trip sitting with this man and his friend Lloyd from New York, going page by page to write notes of all changes they requested. There wasn’t a single item that I had missed in editing the draft before sending it back over to them for another review.
“What did I do wrong in the slide deck?” I asked. “You used the wrong font for Sam’s name and did you even look at the back page?” I sat in silence for several moments. “Are you going to tell me what’s wrong with the back page?” My number! My phone number! How could you get my phone number wrong?” I thought it was so odd the way he was acting – yelling like a child having a tempter tantrum. “That’s it? You’re mad there was a typo on your phone number? That’s a 2 second fix,” I responded. “That’s not the point! Do you really not know me? You don’t know my phone number?” From there it went downhill even further very fast. He told me that I am his employee and I need to act like all of his other employees and do as he says since he’s paying me to do a job. He then said that he can pay anyone to do what I do and he’ll find someone that follows directions.
When I got of of the phone with this person, I was in shock. The voice I had spoken to seemed more like a hate filled demon than a man who had just 2 weeks earlier opened up to me about his long term goals and intent to start an organization to help abused women and kids. I spent the next two hours trying to find a hotel room for my son to sleep in. Every single place I tried was sold out with no rooms. Finally, I gave into tears and frustration. My son said he was going to just go back to his house and sleep on the couch. And he was angry with me for fighting with Glenn. He didn’t understand what had transpired. It broke my heart he didn’t believe me that I did nothing to deserve such harsh treatment.
Last night was one of the hardest nights I’ve had in a long time. My stomach hurt so badly I thought I might need to go to the ER. I cried and placed a heating pad over my belly. Then a strange number messaged me a song link that said, “Let go and let God.” And underneath it, he posted a scripture:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a]“
I went to bed in a puddle of my tears and woke the next morning (only 3 hours later) to a message from my airline that I’d been rerouted to Dominican Republic. And I prayed the entire way to the bus, to the plane and up into the air for the strength to get through this day. And God was faithful.
Tonight he sleeps on that man’s couch hopefully for the last time. But I can’t control what happens next – as the scripture says. I am to let go and let God. I have no idea what God’s doing right now. I have no idea how this is going to work out, where we will live long term, where Josh can get a job to support himself and pay his insurance and food. I have no idea how this will go living at Tamra’s house and I feel a heavy guilt about bringing my son into her home – knowing that she only recently was able to become an empty nester and have her freedom. But in that too, I must shift my focus. My son is a gift. He’s a beautiful gift from God and I’m so grateful he’s in my life. And maybe he will be a beautiful gift for Tamra’s life too. I pray that is the case. I pray that miracles are coming our way and fast. But to believe that God is doing a mighty work and to see its course is a very different thing. God has never done things the way I thought he would do them or expected it all to turn out. He is a Father of many surprises and an author that writes our stories in ways that even the best story-tellers on the planet can’t predict his next move.
If someone would’ve told me 2 months ago that I’d be living with a script writer I met in the galley of an airplane and my son was going to drive 25 hours unexpectedly to California where he too would join us two women in the little condo in Woodland Hills, I’d have told them they’re crazy. But here we are.
I’m like a reporter – living inside of a roller coaster ride of a story with no idea what happens next. I’m living by the seat of my pants and doing my best to stay focused on the faith that God has placed in me when this journey all began. Back in the TIRR hospital, where the nurses called the place “Hotel California” I learned that I’m not in control of the script of my life – that a divine author had been planning a plot my entire life, weaving puzzle pieces together with great purpose. God has given me exactly what I need, exactly when I needed it and there was nothing that happened nor was there any person who played an instrumental role in my life that wasn’t there for good reason. Purple Stones. It was the name of the chapter that shaped my experience more than anything else I’d learned from it all – that God is sovereign and Jesus is the author who writes in the sand and the sand is this body made of dust that he has placed me in for the ride called life.
Purple stones was also symbolic of a promise I received with the purple bible and the purple ring. It seems the promise had an instruction manual. Why haven’t I seen this connection before? The purple bible was like a treasure map that I would need for the journey to my promised land.
Today I wear a turquoise stone on my left hand that mysteriously was in my suitcase when I left Maui on Valentine’s Day. This too seems like a promise of sorts. Perhaps that will be the place I one day get married to my soulmate that God has prepared for me and my son will be there, walking me down the isle and giving my hand away to the one the Lord has placed his love inside of.
Wrapping this up, I heard a voice say as I was turning the light off to my hotel room, “The script writer is about to get her big story.” And somehow I knew that me and my son are tied to this message. I don’t want to speculate further. I always get it wrong when I try to figure out what God is doing.
As a little child, amazed by the workmanship of her Heavenly Father’s design, I will go to sleep tonight in peace knowing that God is doing something big for me and my kids. And tonight I pray this prayer…
Dear Jesus,
Your word says that I shall lean not on my own understanding, but acknowledge you in all my ways and you will make my path straight. I feel like this is telling me to get back into your word. I ask you tonight to gift me the guidance to read the Bible and know what it is you wish for me to study when I get back. I ask you to give me instruction and show me your ways – teach me your ways and differentiate this inner voice inside of me that is of you from all other voices in the world. Erase what I’ve learned or thought or believed that hinders my ability to acknowledge YOUR WAY. Make my path straight and help me to seek you and find you in all things. Lead me to the people you wish for me to walk with and those who will be guides for my son too. Gift us with your blessings, favor and the story that glorifies who you are – our loving Father.
Let tomorrow be a beautiful day of new love, new beginnings and transition in peace. Make Josh feel like he has found his home with me and Tamra; even if it’s only meant to be for a little while in your book you are writing with our lives. Let it be home. Let it be the feeling of home and filled with YOUR love and deep compassion for one another. Thank you Lord.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
Today I received a gift I wasn’t expecting. Roger texted asking for my Zelle and said he was selling my washer and dryer to a couple for $500. A few minutes later I received the alert that the money had been received and immediately I thought it odd that just yesterday I was scrambling for ideas to raise some cash. I have spent a lot on my son over the last few weeks since he arrived in California. And then I learned that my second home I’ve ever sold is interested in listing with me for sale. That would be a huge victory to list and sell such a property when I’m in such dire need to make ends meet and figure out a plan for Josh and I to live.
It seems as soon as he arrived in California, things started looking up for me. I received a way to buy a car after months of crying and praying for God to help me get a loan and find something I could afford. Then I was blessed with the film festival project from Glenn offering to hire me to make extra money. And Tamera even offered to make Josh a room so he could stay with me in LA if things don’t work out in Orange County where Josh is staying with the man on his couch.
This all started when I went to Florida on the last weekend of May. My daughter picked me up and took me to the beach where we collected sand and seashells together for a new prayer box I’m making at Tamera’s. There me and Kenna prayed together over Josh. Within 48 hours I received a call from Texas when Josh woke me up at 3 a.m. to let me know he was in his car and driving to me. I panicked. I didn’t have anywhere for him to stay as I myself am renting a room from a woman I met in the galley of an airplane. Then Glenn called asking if I wanted to go surfing with him. I was crying and told him the news of Josh’s phone call and impossible trip on a 25 hour drive in a car that isn’t sound enough to make it across the city let alone across the country. “Send him here,” Glenn said.
So many miracles have happened in big ways and small and as I sit here preparing to digest the conversation I just had over the phone with a woman named Sarah, who is the recipient of my washer and dryer, I feel ashamed of myself. I thank God in words in letters I write nightly but it seems I’m just going through the motions. I’m doing what I was taught to do and what I think is the right thing to do – seek gratitude and speak praise for good news. But my heart isn’t convinced. I’ve been full of fear – contemplating everyone’s motives, what will fall apart next and frustrated that Josh doesn’t yet have a job or opportunity, he doesn’t yet have a home and he’s still so far away from me as I jump on airplanes and shuffle back and forth between two cities to see him and also try to rest on my short stays in California between trips.
I feel like I’m paddling as hard as I can and getting pummeled by the waves rather than enjoying the ride and allowing the tides to uplift me and carry me safely to the shore. By the way that imagery is exactly what happened to me when I attempted surfing for the first time this week with Glenn, Josh and Glenn’s friend.
When I talk to Tamera I’m murmuring and complaining about Glenn. When I talk to Glenn I’m murmuring and complaining about what’s not working out – the big laundry list of things that I need to be perfectly in place before I can focus on anything and breath with a normal heart rate. When I talk to my Mom I’m angry she’s trying to tell me who I should date or owe my love to, (namely Glenn). When I talk to Josh I’m telling him he should respect me and speak sweetly to me. I seem to be judging everything and everyone rather than following the very advice I gave to a woman over this phone call about 20 minutes ago.
Sarah’s husband was diagnosed with Leukemia and moved to MD Anderson in Houston weeks ago. “They say he’s now braindead,” she told me as my heart leaped out of my chest and tears filled my eyes. I remember being in her shoes not that long ago. I remember praying 24/7 without ceasing over my children’s father and I remember God performing miracle upon miracle that defied logic and shamed the expertise of modern science as a man with a tragically damaged brain made leaps and strides in a miraculous recovery. As I told Sarah the story I felt ashamed again when I said, “And then he divorced me 3 years after his stroke.” It makes no sense. Even still today I don’t understand why that man’s brain healed well enough to drive a car and go to the gym but not enough to try to love me and fight for me.
“His ways are not our ways and his understanding not our understanding,” the Bible says. The cross is a plus sign – literally a sign of positivity and positive charge. Jesus is the author that holds the power to take any story, no matter how negative and dire the situation and he can rewrite it (in the sand) at any given moment to turn it all around. “Be positive,” I hear the Holy Spirit say to me as I ponder what it means to actually believe in the cross of Christ. To raise Lazarus from the dead, to defeat death, to set the captives free, cause the lame to walk, give sight to the blind and raise the dead back to life again. This is positive stuff. This is what the Lord’s power can do and has done in my experiences.
The woman cried soulful tears to me and spoke out loud, “I don’t want to be a widow.” I prayed with her and then I told her this:
“The best advice I can give to you is to focus on the positive. No matter how bad it is – even if you’re told 80 things in bad news from those doctors, you seek the good news and you shout it from the roof tops and celebrate it!” She then told me about how today at the hospital, Sam’s heart rate went down and he was breathing on his own in the ventilator. That’s exactly the kind of news I cringed to when I was faced with teams of doctors reading off pages of deficits over Josh’s hospital bed. I would find the one diamond in their reports, even in the face of remarks like, “There’s a good chance he won’t live through the night.” I’d respond with, “Praise God his temperature is down today!”
So tonight I’m grateful not just for the $500 unexpected gift and the opportunity to list a million dollar home but I’m grateful for the lesson I received in speaking to Sarah as she walks through a type of storm few can relate to at her age. I can. I’ve been her. God answered my prayers and responded to my praise in positivity.
Within seconds after I ended the call with Sarah I received a text message from the paraplegic man I met on an airplane last year in Florida. He said that I was on his heart and resent a song called “Let go and let God” that he texted to me last week, without a response from me. I know God is using him to speak a message to be about the powerlessness I felt in ICU room #79 when I laid on the floor and pleaded for God to gift me a miracle and let Josh live. It’s when I gave up the fight and allowed myself to let go – when I knew I’d done everything I could and the doctors had done everything they could and the outcome belonged to God and God alone – only then did I get to see God’s mighty hand move because my perspective changed. I saw that he is truly sovereign and that all people and all things belong to him ultimately, not me.
So tonight, I pray for God to move powerfully in all the moving pieces of my life and my son’s life and my daughter’s and all the love he’s given me in my heart. I ask for miracle upon miracle to flow in like rain and I ask for the Prince of Peace to give me rest in my weary soul.
I keep trying to find a way to move Josh to LA and what if that’s not what God is doing? What if God wants Josh there with those men and what if that’s the exact situation he’s crafted for my son to give him a new door open? What if Glenn is good for Josh in ways that I can’t understand or perceive? What if something is about to happen that will blow my mind with all the glory of God working in our circumstances?
I know this. My daughter and I prayed for a miracle for Josh and he’s now in California. He’s alive and seems to be in a much better place than he was 3 weeks ago. He’s being very sweet and telling me he loves me. I’m getting money from unexpected places and job offers. I have a car finally. I have a place to live. I have a job and opportunities opening up. My daughter is independent and safe and has friends and making it all alone in Florida. My mom has bridged an amazing relationship with her. I have a new friend Tamera who’s treating me like family. My dog is safe and sound in Texas. My ex-husband is still alive 9 years after death tried to take him (and doing well according to my daughter). I am 24 to 48 hours from spending more beautiful moments with my boy. This is pretty amazing.
Thank you God. Thank you JESUS. You are the positive sign. You are here and you are working miracles in the midst of us. The Malibu Miracle is unfolding now and I am so blessed to get to witness all you are doing and testify of it in these words I type tonight.
Isaiah 53.5 says “by HIS stripes we are healed” and Jesus is healing my son and me too. Our hearts. Our relationship. Our bodies. Our souls.
Isaiah 29:11 says “for I know the plans I have for you says the Lord – plans to give you hope and a future.” Jesus is giving me hope and Josh is going to have a beautiful future with me in California. I’ve seen it. He’s seen it too. He and I received the same vision of us together in the future happy, healed with more love around us than we can even imagine. We both saw him with a beautiful girl he loves. This is happening now just as the Lord showed us in the visions.
So if “Faith is the substance of what we hope for but don’t yet see,” then perhaps those visions are a piece of the substance of faith. Maybe all of my moves that seem crazy to others as I’ve walked away from everything I ever knew or had worked for in order to chase visions and dreams I believed were from God are the true essence of what it means to walk by faith. When we do something that makes no sense because we believe it’s what God is calling us to do.
I may not see how anything will work out in this present moment as I try to bridge the gap between where we are today and the beautiful vision I hold onto that God gifted me before I moved to California, but I do believe I will see that day. So maybe I don’t know the way because I’m not meant to. Maybe I’m being called to let go and just ride this wave as far as it takes me – praying and believing that EVERYTHING is working for our good. All the delays, setbacks and challenges aren’t mine to fix. But GOD is doing this…… and it will be done.
In Jesus Name,
Amen.
Today has been a day of 17 – over and over again. It was the gate at every single flight I flew, the number on the jersey flashing over a screen of the Dodger Stadium going wild and even the room number I ended up with tonight; 917.
As I watched the batter take the plate waiting on a chicken sandwich at the steakhouse downstairs of my hotel, again seeing the number 17, I remembered the words of Dennis last November predicting that this year I would meet my twin soul. He told me that my ex husband was not my person and the one I’d met in LA was not either. Alice even instructed me to “shut the door and seal it closed.” But it’s very hard to let go of the love you feel for others when you don’t see a replacement in your future or even know that such a person could exist.
I don’t want to be selfish in my pursuits and I certainly don’t wish to write on this space a dialogue of my heartbreaks with essentially every man I’ve ever had in my life beginning with my first stepdad that left when I was a little child. However, I also don’t want to be fake. To deny my own inner thoughts is to suppress emotions that ultimately make me feel ill and at war with my own heart. Speaking of that, the scripture I started blogging about last night on my instagram has an opening line I didn’t see last night. In reading it images immediately entered into my mind as I was downstairs awaiting my order.
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. – Galatians 8:7
To sow to please the flesh is to reap corruption? Does that include in love? The vision that flashed inside of my mind was first of D and then of the man who’s let my son stay with him over the past 2 weeks. What I feel in my intuition is deception that I have no reason to feel towards someone who’s helped me so much. And to be honest I’ve guilted myself for this feeling and even convinced myself that I’m the one with a problem because I don’t trust men. I mean, it’s understandable because I’ve literally never had one show me true love that isn’t wrapped around motive. My step dads left with the marriage to my mother and both of them made these cuts final when a new woman demanded they do so. The man seems to be drawn to love of the flesh first and foremost and will even deceive, betray and abandon his own child in order to get that body love from the woman who’s pleasing his flesh. I saw the same with my ex-husband. I couldn’t have done any better to show him true love after his brain accident. To lay my life down for another human and focus only on his life and his healing was the most amazing act I’ve ever witnessed in myself. And to be honest, I knew it wasn’t me that was in the drivers seat at all – this was a spiritual love; God’s agape love that he was pouring into me and I was pouring out into another. But when temptation came into his life as his brother took him to strip clubs and he found porn sites as his pastime in the house, he then began acting as an enemy to me. He literally tried to destroy my life and only seemed focused on how many women he would have sex with after he moved out. His words were honest in making sure I knew of this. But why? What is in a man that makes him hate the true love (agape) when the physical love between a man and a woman is lacking. I wasn’t giving him sex and therefore I was worthless in his eyes. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Last Fall when I told D that I didn’t want to see him anymore I experienced my first dose of vulnerability and panic in his voice. I could sense it easily when he called back stuttering on his own words. “Well, the sex has value. It’s very valuable,” he told me before unfolding his side of a debate to try to convince me that I should be satisfied with our strange situation. It hurts as a woman to admit to myself that I’ve never truly known a man’s love outside of this parable. But the ultimate wound I carry is that of my son’s departure from my life. He didn’t leave because of a woman or sex but maybe in a way that was part of his decision. I was a strict mom that made him follow a curfew and never gave him a lot of space. I would imagine that was a little embarrassing to a teenage boy who was trying to impress girls and have fun outside of his schooling.
I don’t want to make the same mistake again as he’s back in my life and here with me in California. I really want him to live and I want him to know that I love him and to feel that I trust him. Likewise, I don’t want to hurt anymore or walk in bitterness of all the woes that have come upon me at the hands of a man. This abandonment wound I carry and the self-worth issue tied to feeling like I’m always only as valuable as the sex, (as D so ineloquently put it), creates a layer of darkness around my thoughts in how I view love and relationships.
Is it possible to have both? Can I have a man in my life who loves me fully and completely? Is there a man God made just for me who will see me as precious as a Father sees a daughter and as beautiful and desirable as a husband sees his bride? Can God’s agape love be the driving force of a man who walks by the spirit and all the rest seen as icing on the cake? To appreciate sex as a gift given to the man and woman as a pleasurable expression of the love they have inside is a type of dreamlike idea that I’ve never seen or witnessed. But I hope it exists.
My son loves me. I felt it tonight when I was talking to him on the phone as I walked the river downtown Spokane. He sent me a picture of a rocket in the sky and I confessed I was lost trying to get back to my hotel at dusk. “Mom, don’t do that. Don’t go walking in these cities alone. Find your way and call me right back so I know you’re OK,” he ordered as a protector over me. It felt good. Not the being the lost part. But the authenticity of concern in his voice is something I’ve missed so badly since he went away 6 years ago to live with his father. To be loved like that, where a person feels a heart connection that prompts oversight of your being is a wish I would imagine every woman has somewhere inside of her.
Tomorrow I fly home and for the first time ever, I have no desire to see LA with a hope that D will call and come visit me. Rather, I want to see God’s miracles unfolding in my life with my son now there. I have these odd little dreams of him getting back on the horse with inspiration to be an athlete again. Maybe he could play pro baseball or basketball or even be a type of trainer. I don’t know if he even has that desire but I have a hunch it’s still there. After all, his first word was ball.
What if the story I’ve been trying to write for years as I see prophecy and hope only in the spaces of consciousness without physical evidence of its existence, is about him? What if he is going to be someone someday that inspires millions of young men who walk in his shoes and will someday in the future too? What if he’s the boy chosen by God to go through hell and come out of it all on the other side as a testimony of the Sovereignty and miracles sent down by the Father of Lights?
I pray for God’s best to be the substance of this hope that my eyes will one day soon see.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the power of prayer as a weapon that you’ve gifted me to come before you and ask for your hand to author the painful parts of my life. Thank you for the miracle of Josh coming to California in the beginning of June. Thank you for the people who’ve opened their hearts and their homes to let us stay. Thank you for the shimmer of hope I have today in the number 17 as I believe you’re showing me that this is where you’re working right now in my path. Lord, you know everything. You know our financial situation and that he needs work, a home, a reliable car, friends and angels of inspiration in the flesh to open doors and motivate him to walk in the direction of the path you have lit for his good and your Glory. Your word says you are the author and finisher of our faith and our stories and so tonight I ask you to give me discernment by YOUR spirit to know your plan and where we should live. I ask you to make it clear to me and lead me in love not anxiety. I ask you to make a miracle plot twist in all things as you can change our entire worlds in one single moment. I ask for redemption and abundance in love, career, faith and the testimony I seek to write and share here and now. I ask you for your best and I thank you Lord that you’re here and you hear me tonight.
In Jesus Name,
Amen