Dear D,

I’m in Vegas looking at the Cosmopolitan. When I saw the aries on the drive in my heart skipped a beat. It always does with flashbacks of my drives to the towers from the airport when I was scheduled to spend a weekend with you. I was so happy then. I was so excited like a little school girl who’d met her first love. The world was full of magic and possibilities and the thought of you arriving made my heart leap in my chest.

I still feel this way although I tried hard to oppress my love for you. I feel like it’s hurtful and disappointing. I stay angry at myself for chasing you all these years with back to back rejection. You’ve stayed consistent in not wanting to move forward in a relationship with me. I have tried everything to change your mind.

I remember laying on my hands and knees in the Aria hotel the day before Christmas crying out to God to please guard my heart and take you out of there. I knew I was in deep trouble and had fallen for you. I was terrified. Today I look back and realize that no amount of prayer, fighting or denying what’s in me has done a thing to change my feelings for you.

I can’t say I feel the same when we’re together. I’m bored and disappointed because nothing changes. You still talk about the same things, share the same music stories, repeat yourself endlessly and never strike anything new when I see you. I feel like sometimes loving you is like living inside of Groundhog day. I’m trying to make you love me so that I can break the repeat cycle and I don’t know how to do that.

Our last night together I decided to leave. You had slept all day and I felt stupid for sitting there waiting for you to wake up and pay attention to me. You were angry at me saying I was choosing to be on the phone and on my computer instead of paying attention to you. Well, you weren’t angry but you called me a hypocrite for the gesture. I want to be the one pursued. I want to be the woman that your heart can’t live without and the reason you are willing to swallow your pride, let go of your repetitive ways and fight for love. I want you to do something extraordinary to lay your life down and prove you love me and want me more than anything else in this world. But repeating the same things on my end just gets me the same results with you.

I feel like the only answer is to give up. Today I promised myself I’d not respond to you. I wanted to disappear and let you feel the loss of me. I’ve done this a million times and you’ve never reacted the way I hoped. You just let me go each time and later say, “I figured you were busy and needed space.” It’s maddening to me that you never fear losing me. You never get sad if days go by without us talking. And it seems unfair that I’ve spent so many days by the phone missing your call. That’s been easier for me lately but I wonder if it’s just because I have so much chaos and confusion in my life I keep myself occupied with worry and decisions.

Well, tonight you were kind but short with me; telling me you’re sorry but you can’t talk because you need to wake up at 4am. I understand but I also know that when you’re doing nothing you rarely dwell on talking to me. I miss the days we talked all through the night. I miss feeling close to you and like we never ran out of topics and laughter. I miss the beginning that was so amazing I’d felt like I’d finally found my perfect person.

Maybe you’re meant to live inside of my heart now in that way. Maybe life is a cruel trick on love – pulling us away from the things of most value to tend to what we think is most important. If I am that thing, I guess you just can’t see it. And I have no choice but to accept that. I’m not the most important thing in your life. I wish I was. I wish we could realize love is the only thing that matters before love leaves. I wish we could truly embrace the gift of love with our whole hearts and not feel like we have to choose between love and losing ourselves.

I’ve already lost myself in you. I’m doing my best to get me back again and I hope one day soon I’ll have the comfort of feeling whole and complete with or without you. Until then, I am simply grateful you exist and happy to have finally met you in my life. I cherish our beginnings so much and I have a little dream inside that one day we will pick up with a new beginning thats far better than ever before.

I hope you have sweet dreams and work is good tomorrow. I hope something happens in your day that makes you think of me in love (not in lust). I hope you have an ahah moment that creates change in our relationship and I hope you get the job offer of your dreams or whatever it is your after. And when you do, I hope you gain the world and realize that its incomplete without me by your side.

Love,

J