I’ve been looking for the miracle for years now. I kept pursuing healing in my ex-husband even until the end as I was being attacked and discarded. I’ve been praying for my family to somehow be brought back together (me and my kids). I’ve prayed relentlessly for a relationship with my mom that includes truth, forgiveness and reconciliation. I’ve prayed for God to bless my new relationship with the man I followed all the way to California. I’ve prayed and cried and prayed and cried day after day and year after year. But God says no.
When I can’t have what I want then what can I have? When I can’t do what I want then what can I do? When I lose everything that mattered the most, what can I gain?
I don’t even know where I’m going to live next month. I move to California SURE that it was God’s open doors and his will for me. And now my roomate and I aren’t hitting it off, she has a ton of drama and she wants to rent her place out and move downtown. I have looked and looked but I don’t know how I will get an apartment there. I’ve asked God to give me a new job, take me back home, do anything he wants to do but please save me.
I’ve asked God for love. I’ve asked God for friendships that will truly be real and authentic. I’ve asked God for opportunity and open doors to get my life in order. I’ve asked God wisdom, vision and a path I can follow and have inspiration towards.
All I see is a No. Where is the yes?
I’m doing a podcast show with a man who can maybe help me with this. He prayed for healing and he was left paralyzed. But then he became one of the world’s greatest inspirational speakers. God said no to what he wanted but gave him something really big to do regardless.
I think about the story of Joseph sold into slavery by his family. I feel a lot like that. I don’t know where to go or how to stop crying and see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so helpless and alone.
I do have an offer to update Ovi’s speech next week. I hope I do a good job and I hope he does pay me. I also have this podcast which I won’t get paid for but I hope I do a good job and I hope God will use something in all of this to show me where I belong and what he’s doing with my life.
I surrender my family, the guy I wanted, the story I hoped to turn into a movie and this job too. I give up. I really don’t know where God wants me to go or how to navigate anymore alone like this.
I pray that God shows me something like Chad’s story. When God says no to what we want he has something better is the storyline I felt I’ve been chasing forever now. It might be only little wins to celebrate but I hope I get them.
In Jesus’ Name…
Amen