Anxiety is not my portion

Spent hours trying to fix my Texas drivers license situation. So many things go wrong with Texas. I also feel the fear from the home owner and my family there – all talking about warnings and death. I don’t want to live in that. I heard a woman years ago say if it brings you anxiety it’s not your calling. You’re out of alignment. Maybe or maybe not. But I can’t fix this stuff.

God you rescued me before. Please do it again and in completion this time. I see myself doing with my son what I did with his Dad. Rewarding the bad behavior, letting guilt and shame pull me down into a pit where I die so they can use me. The lazyness and not wanting to work and to put all their burdens on me. Help me to say no and give me something beautiful to celebrate in new love.

I have to accept that if your will is to do something with my son that I don’t like, he’s your kid, before my kid. I don’t know his path and what you are doing with him. I ask you to heal him and I ask you to make him a strong man but I am so tired Lord. I have tried everything for years and years so please help me to lay this down and be done with it.

I surrender my son to you Lord. I surrender my son to you Lord. I ask you to break me free of these chains of guilt and shame and to cause him to go his own way and rise up as a man should rise up not leaning on his mother as his source and his punching bag.

Help me to let this go and show me how to carry forward in what you want to do with me and my life. Help me to see the pathway of freedom and love. Help me to learn the lessons I learned with Kenna and to step away and let you do a mighty work and help me to stop thinking about this and worrying.

Thank you for Glenn, Lord let Josh get help from Glenn to learn how to book his flight and get to the airport. Please release me from this completely today.

I don’t want to be their savior lord, I need saving. I need your healing. I need your love. I need your provisions. I need your help out of this and into better days. Please save me and release me and give me hope and a future God.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

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Dreams 818

I had a dream last night I recall only a little of. In my dream I saw Tamra cleaning her house and removing rugs to sweep up all the stuff underneath it. I felt bad in the dream because I didn’t clean the floors before she got home.

Then I had a dream that Dave called and said something about loving me. I was pre-occupied and asked if he could repeat it and he started talking about how he does love me and he sounded like he was struggling to express what he wanted to say but asked me if he could come pick me up – go for a drive.

In another part of the dream we both called out for work and I was thinking I had no other job to fall back on if I lose that job.

I woke up and saw the runner girl from SD on my feed doing a bikini photoshoot. She’s 47 and I found her because a girl I flew with was talking about how she’s so pretty and in such good shape at her age so I copied her account to follow her. It’s interesting only a few people commented on her post. One “you look great girl” and she responded indicating it was from her massage therapist. This is reminding me of my season in Houston when I was only supported in my healing by my massage therapist, the pilates instructors and essentially the ones who were part of the upward journey. It seems your friends, family and people who loved you while you were a sick wounded bird don’t like seeing you get better. We don’t celebrate the resurrection of others when we’re down.

I then talked to myself for a few minutes about how the vape makes me feel. And I want to stop doing it.

I would like to set a goal for myself to do a bikini photoshoot. But I have to remember that the only people who will celebrate me in that are me and God. Maybe he will send a few others who will be part of it and feel good with me. To break addiction, feel better and get my body and soul QUICKENED by the Holy Spirit once again is a single mission of a warrior who listens only to a Father in Heaven who desires to see me walk in my path as a whole and complete healthy woman.

I keep thinking about “Rogers Will” and Will Rogers that day I went to roller blade at the beach and the beautiful girl I’ve seen twice now who is walking out there. She looks like she spends a ton of time working on her body and she’s so beautiful, smiling and confident. I don’t know what she does for work but she looks free and amazing and so very pretty.

Last night listening to Billy Graham and other messages I just felt very convicted that I’ve been surrounded by people who only talk about fear, death, sickness and the end of things. I don’t feel that God is preparing me for a hospital and I feel very out of alignment when I engage with these discussions. In my visions I saw myself happy, in love and wearing a red swimsuit.

I’ve walked in the valley and I’ve served and I’ve laid my life down and I don’t want to stay stuck down there. I want to be a testimony of what God has done. But I also know that all I’ve tried to do myself doesn’t work. If Dave comes back a humbled man confessing his love for me it’s not because I did anything. All of my efforts have failed. If God opens a door for us to do something together that requires us to quit our jobs that will be a door that God opens because I’ve applied for a million jobs and tried everything to get myself into a better or different place than where I’m at.

I’ve seen that new love heals, inspires, motivates change and pulls out of of the ashes. And Papa I believe planted a seed for something. He said he prayed nonstop for God to send me my partner to love me. I believe God is answering those prayers. And the person will be tied to my purpose.

The most aligned I’ve ever felt with a man is in season we had a common goal. When God gave us Kenna we became a team to raise and support her. When God gave us the falling away of our jobs with Jim we were picked up in a new direction to do real estate and to learn how to build things and rejuvenate broken things (in the project of remodeling that house).

My years knowing Dave we’ve had a constant focus on health and wellness. From what foods we eat to our workout schedules and battling depression to better ourselves and not be lazy, and with mindfulness of why we do what we do and think what we think, there have been themes around silence, solitude and setbacks to regroup, adapt and keep going. And we’ve both been placed in long seasons of waiting. He’s waiting on a 71 year old to retire so he can have a shot at his dream job. I’m waiting on him to get his house in order so he can have a place prepared for me to invite me in.

I know God wouldn’t send me here for no reason. I feel turned off by everything right now and really feel like I’m being asked to go into silence and let God finish what he started in me. “He is faithful to complete the work he started in me.” I also feel God is asking me to “Be Still and know I am God.” To allow the pieces to all fall where they will and remove myself from chaos so that he can speak to my heart, guide me, quiet this storm and move me into position where my blessing are waiting.

He says, “I will fight for you, you need only be still.” “Enter into my rest.”

I’m going to write him a letter now.

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Only 3 Remain

Yesterday my Papa passed over. I went to the beach to roller blade and collected some burnt sticks and stones when I left. Then I started to craft a light I planned to make with the idea to sell it at a store. But today the image I used to turn into a logo for LL club – a marketing company that doesn’t yet exist; but I’m being asked to sell a home in Texas without listing it.

It’s interesting that the things we use to sell a home with I won’t have in my favor. It would take a miracle to find a buyer and yet, maybe that’s the kind of faith God is asking me to have in him.

I felt strongly that the concept of forgiveness was upon me – as if my Papa was with me telling me to please lay down at the cross all that I’ve carried in my heart and thoughts towards my mother. And I prayed and asked God to help me do that the whole way home. But he’s been doing it all along – showing me how my pain is very similar to what my mom went through. She’s just a child of God like me. We don’t want to hurt anyone intentionally; especially those we love the most.

Today, I want every word I’ve ever spoken about anyone to be removed and washed over in the blood of Jesus. I am so not perfect and he says no one is good except the Father in Heaven.

These branches maybe represent my process. After the fire, when everything is burnt away and left in ruin only 3 remain. Hope love and faith. And the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today is my son’s birthday and what I hope for most is for him to feel loved today. I hope he also gets hope today – something to look forward to so that he too can lay down the past and put it away. I can’t give it to him but God can.

I also don’t feel the desire to see Dave anymore. I was trying to hard to replace what I’d lost and felt abandoned by God because I feel alone. But God’s plan isn’t something I can force.

So I just do my best through the anger, the frustration, the loneliness and the guilt that I should never carry; as my righteousness in what Jesus did not what I could ever do – to lay it all down. To be grateful that I can’t earn righteousness but that the free gift he gives me is a promise that I’ll dine in paradise with him one day no matter how many mistakes I’ve made and continue to make each day. He loves me and he’s not forgotten me even when I can’t feel him near.

Maybe I’ve been pruned and everything inside of me and outside of me has been taken and destroyed to ruins… and maybe that hurt really bad today. But after the fire there is still these 3 branches that remain. And that’s a tree perhaps God can use to create new fruit and paint beauty in my ashes.

I ask for God’s guidance in this video I’m making and for the Glory of the Lord to be seen in the results.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

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TTonight is Day 3

I let Dave go tonight and I thank God for the ending as they all have been changed in their hearts and convicted to let me go. Now I have a clean slate. Now I am free. Tomorrow is the first day of the beginning of miracles.

I’m excited to write and report all of the AMAZING things God is bringing into my experience and blessing me with now.

This is it. This is the new chapter. This is my new beginning and HE is the author. So it’s going to be so great. I can’t wait to see what his movie that he’s chosen me to live in will look like.

It starts now. The stage is set. The people are in their seats. It’s showtime in God’s story.

12:59 AM – Washington DC – August 11th

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No Longer Needed

I guess this how my Granny must have felt in her final days here on earth. She used to always say, “People only call when they need something. Otherwise you never hear from nobody.” I thought about it today – if I could remember ever seeing her happy. The only memories of this were from her younger years when she ran the flower shop. I remember her laughing and dancing with her sister and the crew. I remember her eyes lighting up when a child would come in and how emotionally attached she was to her customers and their stories.

She never talked about herself much. And after she got sick it seems she became bitter with the world that left her behind. No one hardly visited her. She passed away the days in pain and agony watching TV shows and sitting on a couch in her white night gown. She began to complain about all she never had or did and was upset that her husband never took her dancing or out to dinner or even to see a movie once in awhile. She had a collection of jewelry she all bought for herself – likely because the man in her life refused to honor her with gifts or affection. And she deserved better. She was beautiful, smart and the brightest light in every room.

I wonder why a prince never crossed her path and swept her off her feet. If anyone needed it, it was her.

Last night Dave sent me ugly text messages because I had tried to call him and sent him emotional long messages throughout the day. He ignored me and said he was working. But he butt dialed me and I heard his TV screen going. He wasn’t busy. He just didn’t want to speak to me. And that really hurt. I’ve always wanted a man who’s voice turns to mush when he hears me on the other line of the phone. Someone who cherishes every conversation and would drop the world to take my call. I’ve always wanted to feel wanted like that.

People say to attract love you have to first love yourself. But I’m afraid you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I don’t know how to love myself or to even feel like I’m somebody anymore without anyone loving me. I try to lean on God’s love but I can’t see him, touch him or talk to him. And my body hasn’t hold anyone to hold my hand in so many years, cuddle with me at night or love me through my hard days in so long, I don’t remember what love feels like anymore.

I guess his how Granny felt when they threw her in a home and she only had the nurses to talk to. It’s sad the way old people die alone and in her case, she did that with a husband still on this earth. So maybe that’s where I’m in this life – detaching from all that I’ve loved so dearly and the dreams I kept chasing for years upon years with no reunion of a love from the past and no new love to enter and sweep me off of my feet.

Maybe this world is done with me now. And maybe it’s time I just accept that and sit here alone until the Lord takes me home.

Tonight I pray that Jesus helps me to detach from all things that I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto. I pray that I can see what’s next and find peace in that place. I pray that I can go to sleep tonight holding myself tightly in all the places where I haven’t been held in nearly a decade.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’d rather be gone. If this world has no use for me, I pray God sends me to another one where I can again feel the love of a family, togetherness and joy in my essence of existing for a reason with community and compassion.

If my kids don’t love me and my mom doesn’t want me and the man I loved with my whole heart cringes when he sees my phone number on his screen… Then God, please take me away to a place where I can feel what it’s like again to be appreciated.

I have to wake up in a few hours to fly out again and this house is so hot right now I feel feverish. Maybe in the morning I’ll see joy again whether in this body or in another realm.

Come Lord Jesus.. Come Quickly..

In Jesus Name,

Amen.

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Cinderella

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Today, I do believe I’m Cinderella. And just like Cinderella, when her mother and her father passed away, it was the wicked stepsisters who tried to destroy her and make her a slave. And I’m also Rose in the Titanic. Everyone that the Council has shown to me is a script from my life.

Now I’m free from her. And maybe I don’t know who my prince is yet or who my Jack is, but I do know that I’m not her prisoner anymore. I pray in God’s timing my dog comes back to me. But otherwise, I never wish to see her or speak to her again.

My prayer now is to become what I was meant to become – Skyla. As shown to me by Marilynn Monroe and my father taking me to the headquarters of baywatch yesterday. Maybe I don’t know how I’ll get there just yet. But I can walk in faith and prepare my body and my mind for the next step. I want to be a big star. I want to be on TV. I want to be the icon that young girls see and they read my story and know that being casted out, unwanted and treated horribly by the parents or family members that were supposed to love you isn’t a curse its a crossroad that and we were made to rise from the ashes.

I pray that God takes every word she’s ever spoken over me in hate, jealousy and control and makes those words the ones he uses to slingshot me to the top.

She said no one likes me. I pray God makes me the most likable personality on TV.

She said my Granny is disappointed in me. I pray the angels make known their rejoicing over what I become now.

She said I’m a disgrace to my family name when I wear a swimsuit. I pray that I wear a swimsuit and everyone in my family watches me on screen saying to everyone they know, “yeah, we’re related to that beautiful being right there. That’s my genes!”

She said I’m a loser, a slob and I’ll end up homeless like her sister. I pray that I end up with maids, a star on Hollywood boardwalk with my name on it showing that I WON and I pray that I have the biggest mansion money can buy right here in paradise.

She said I’m a victim. I pray that I play a character in a movie that’s so iconic for women warriors that a sword is sold in major department stores with my name on it.

She said I’m jealous of her and Jim. I pray that I live inside of a love story in the public eyes that the entire world looks upon and says, “That’s what I want. That’s true love. That’s what I’m praying to one day find.”

Every year for Christmas… I’ll send her an autographed photo of me with an apology letter for not setting the alarm on her front door. I’ll say I’m glad your wall memorabilia worth $80k wasn’t stolen and I’ll tell her to enjoy all of her jewels.

God says he will set a table for me with those who have persecuted me and hurt me. He will cause them to come worship at my feet. I believe this, I receive this. I wait for instructions and doors to open. I speak it and I believe it. I will be a famous, iconic actress – a household name loved in every home. I will be known as the beautiful girl with a great sense of humor who is everyone’s favorite daughter.

Lord help me climb out of her shadow and set my mind, my heart and my spirit to BECOMING SKYLA.

In Jesus’ name…

Amen.

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Reset to 17

For the first time tonight in years of confusion and seeking, I believe God has given me access to a glimpse into what he’s been setting up for me all along. I wrote as my last chapter that I wish I could go back to age 17 with all of the wisdom that I have learned. And it’s been evident to me for years that this wish was granted to me in ways I can’t even explain. I noticed after Covid it seemed I had entered a time machine. But I thought I was playing the parts of a relationship that I had with my children’s father.

D seemed like his clone in so many ways – from the way I felt about him to the way he did the push – pull and made me feel like I was caught in a merry-go-round. He would want me then push me away and do it over and over, all the while telling me I should have better than him, he’s emotionally unavailable and he never wants a relationship, kids and marriage.

I didn’t understand why God would want me to go through that dynamic again exactly as I had done as a child. But then I started noticing the similarities to Dave and me with my mother and Jim. It’s like a storybook plot the way she met him and he seemingly took over her character. She says he was the love of his life and so she sailed off into the sunset with him and put me in the trash as baggage that wouldn’t have made her happily ever after possible. She says, “He gave your husband jobs and we helped you more than anyone.” But what she doesn’t realize is what I needed most was to feel loved and accepted – to not feel that I had lost my mother to someone else’s family. In the car yesterday when I mentioned that she was laboring her health away for his son she got very triggered and snapped back, “Of course! That’s what I’m supposed to do that’s my family!” I knew she didn’t even notice as the words left her mouth that she hadn’t considered for a moment how differently she and her husband treat me and his kids. When they come to her house she bends over backwards to prepare for them and to impress him. It’s as if she’s been fighting her entire adult life to be accepted by them as she wears their guilt for being the woman who married their dad and caused their mother so much pain and misery.

She took care of Jim’s elderly mom when she had dementia. All of his children were placed in top notch colleges and given educations and today they live in Houston and both of them spend every waking moment slaving to make their business a success as their health diminishes more each day and I’ve seen the way my mother jumps out of her chair when his son calls. She’s like a slave answering to the master – hoping that she’s loved, accepted and her hard work is appreciated by him – the husband’s kid.

Meanwhile I’m lucky to get a phone call once a month and when I do speak to her she just tells me how miserable she is and throws up all her problems on me. She doesn’t want my love, affection, approval and she’s told me more than a dozen times that I’m not her daughter, I’m an embarrassment to her bloodline, I’m the illegitimate kid that could ruin Jim’s reputation if his shareholders found out about me. She doesn’t want to deal with me and she’s certainly not interested in claiming me as something she’s proud of in this life and I’m convinced that this will never change. So why now must I be shown this so heavily in my face – reliving the pain over and over as if I’m predestined to suffer and suffer more until I get the lesson? My children.

I was the same age as Josh when my mom got pregnant with Tori and though it’s not the same scenario as my ex-husband having a stroke it sure feels like the same story. My older child was forced to go at it alone and find her way into fast independence as I rode off into the sunset chasing after love. Meanwhile my younger child got left with the half-dad who had suffered a brain injury. Very much like the temperament of Roger he’s not tough. Roger drank a lot and chased after any woman who would show him love – even willing to give up his own child if the woman demanded. My son has felt that pain of rejection over and over from his dad. Meanwhile my son’s mom has been absent – working in a traveling job and hardly around. I’ve been too busy to love him the way he’s needed.

So how do I hit pause on this movie and rewrite the script here and now? How do I not turn into my mother?

First and foremost I have to see Dave through the lenses that I saw my mother’s new love. He changed her and took her away and I wanted her to be happy. I was very happy for her. But he never saw me as his daughter and didn’t want me in their life and I felt it with every fiber of my being. She chose him and his family over me. She threw me out like I didn’t exist or matter. That means Dave has to either become the man who wants to love my children as if they’re part of me because they are, or he is not the man who belongs in my life going forward. I must be firm on this and know that God will absolutely send another story-line if I reject this one and say no to repeats of my mom’s mistakes.

The man that can earn my heart must be willing and able to earn the heart of my children too and he doesn’t try to make an effort to see them as the gatekeepers of me – the woman he’s willing to walk across the dessert to love then he doesn’t belong in my life and certainly not in my bed.

Secondly, I have to put these kids back on the pedestal of my own heart. I may not have all the answers and I may not know when or how God will open a door to move in my favor to give me a better job and a home but I must hold out for it and pray for it and believe then why I say no to the partial things he will send me the whole package.

I want better for my children. They deserve better than what I received. And today as I find myself inside of a script I’ve already seen, I am boldly asking the director to rewrite it. I want the best outcome not the crumbs. I want my prince in shining armor who walks the walk of James 1:27 – ready to be a father to the fatherless, defender of the widow and a redeemer of my bloodline.

Ok….. I know what I have to do. No more crying over the counterfeit. I’m done with him.

Thank you Lord for the heartbreaking but eye opening revelation and please give me the strength to walk away from this and welcome in the better portion – in Jesus’ name amen.

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Promised Land

In speaking with my ex-husband today and praying together over the phone for protection and a path of light and life for our children, followed by watching the video back of clips from him in the hospital and his healing there-after, I realize what a gift this season was in my life personally. For the first time in my human existence on this planet, I felt free to talk about the secrets I held within myself – secrets about miracles and God. I never told anyone what God did for me when I was 17 in taking me to the Council of Heaven and giving me life in the human body when he put my consciousness back into that corpse. It wasn’t something people would accept and I knew that. I also knew when I went to the local churches seeking “my people” that the congregations didn’t carry the spiritual beliefs and knowing that I had been gifted within me.

All things are carnal in a carnally operated and ruled world here. We want proof and we need logical explanations of all things. But I knew there was another intelligence and a greater power beyond what we see and perceive. When my ex-husband was in his healing journey we were all one accord in prayer and celebrating God’s answers and provisions. For the first time in my life I felt seen, heard and like I had a team who experienced what I did.

God knows I have a dream to be a writer/producer. I want to be a storyteller who has the reach of billions of people. But I don’t want to answer to people in this because I want it to be HIS assignment in truth and honor to who the Lord truly is. Since I’ve been here I’ve watched Tamra writing endlessly to create scripts for people to pick apart in meetings. She’s waiting on approvals, calibrators, agents and movie stars to buy-in on her ideas and ultimately that makes those people gods over what she’s been given in vision of her heart and ideas.

I don’t feel like my story is mine to give away to anyone. No matter how much money is offered or what big names might participate with me, who am I to take something God put on my heart, gave for me to witness and experience in my life and then sell it off for someone to butcher it for the sake of money? I do want to be blessed and I believe it’s God’s will to bless me abundantly. But even then I know that the blessing is his gift and his alone – not by my human powers. So, I want to make sure I know what he wants to do with it when he does move these mountains.

If he wants me to bless my ex-husband I hope to know the exact amount he should be given and if he wants to bless a stranger on the road I want my heart to hear the voice of the Lord and answer the call. I want that kind of connection with God again – now and forever guided by the Holy Spirit and unspotted by this world.

I know our son misses his family and my daughter too. In truth I miss us all too. In a time and space in time we are always family and always will be. Regardless of space or distance and even divorce there is nothing that can destroy what was ruled and reigned by the miracle of God’s love. And even as I type this, as I know my lips may never speak it out-loud, my heart hopes that J-Senior always knows how special his placement in my life was and will be forever more. He was my best friend and he was my rock in times of trouble. He may not have the solutions or be able to protect and provide for our children but he’s God’s son, the father of my children and he was the love of my life for many decades. I don’t hate him. I wish the best of God’s gifts, healing a testimony of all he has overcome by the Lord Jesus Christ, our Savior.

I feel like social media and AI is a type of alien invasion on this planet that kills, steals and destroys the love of families – hitting us each differently. It teaches children to believe Google instead of the loving hearts of their parents advice. It teaches parents to seek therapy to know how to raise their own children from sources that could never begin to know the love that counsels a mother’s heart. It teaches husband’s and wives that the grass is greener on the other side and floods our eyes with pornography and temptation. I know I ate from that tree – thinking my prince in shining armor was a man I met off myspace who swooped in to save the day and heal my heart; leaving me more broken and confused than ever before. I suppose all of us are appointed seasons of temptation and testing and maybe we’re all even meant to fail so that we can open our hearts and sew many prayers in the form of tears asking God to put us back on the path of Glory.

My face feels red hot with fire today and I wonder if this is the fire of the Holy Spirit coming back into me today – as Moses saw the face of God in a burning bush and I felt frequently when I wrote the book about My Father’s answer to my prayers. I say Yes to speak the truth of what I hear, see and witness in the days to come.

My son is alive. For the first time today I learned that on May 2nd, he put a gun to his head and his father tackled him to save him and get the weapon from his hands. He said he cried all night praying out to God to save our boy. He begged the Lord to move fast and mightily and cried out that he would do anything to not have to bury his baby boy. A few hours later, my son woke him up with a car packed full of the things he could gather and he was on a cross-country drive to California.

It hasn’t been easy on me since he got here. He’s spewed a lot of venom from his lips of hatred towards me and the stench of death attacks his words frequently. But he’s alive and I know inside he’s battling those demons with a heart full of gold and love buried deeply within. I’m grateful he didn’t have to taste death to find God’s weapons war’ing in his favor. I’m grateful he’s not telling a suicide story from a hospital room and that I never got that call his father feared was on the brink of manifestation. I’m grateful God is still today, yesterday and tomorrow – until forevermore answering our prayers and hearing the cries of his children. I’m grateful that through it all I’m still praying. All of this horrible loneliness, darkness and despair couldn’t kill the seed of faith God planted in me. Even when I don’t hear him. Even when I seek him with my whole heart and can’t feel him near me. Even when I pray until my hand can barely write another word, HE still stirs me to speak to him, keep asking, keep walking in faith and believing that every prayer my heart has sent to Heaven is heard, cared for and being answered in ways I can’t even imagine possible.

The same God that planted me in the stomach in a teenage girl through tragedy and caused me to be born to overcome 2 deathly illnesses – introducing me to this world as a survivor, is still on the throne. The same God who heard my heart cry out in death at 17, when I didn’t even have the strength to lift my head or cry out for help – who heard me, lifted me out of the body and into the Heavens and gave me hope and a future then resurrected me into that dead body and brought me back to life again is still on the throne. The same God who rescued me when I was paralyzed after a horse accident and told I may never walk again – that GOD who gave me the strength to get up and walk again is still on the throne. The same God who saw me weak, drugged and poisoned in a barn of a Colorado backside to a horse track and divinely removed me and guided me by angels all the way back to Houston is still on the throne. That same God who saved J-Senior, healed him and gave him life and then healed our son of GHD as we praised him and celebrated his miracles is still on the throne. That God is driving my son from Dana Point to me tonight and flying him home to his Dad to tomorrow – He’s still on the throne.

I’m not proud of us. I’m not proud of the fact that it took us almost losing my son to pick up the phone and have a civil conversation. I’m not proud that we allowed our pride and egos to destroy the love we had for these kids in showing them how much they mean to us. I’m not proud that my own hurt and pain led me into the arms of a man who just wanted to use me for sex rather than attending to the children that needed me in their times of need. I’m not proud that I put all of my focus on healing myself for the sake of finding love again in a man when my greatest love I’ve ever known on this planet lies within the connection I have to my children. I’m not proud that I’ve leaned on my kids as my strength and worked dead-end jobs, unable to pick myself up and find a reason to see a future that offers anything good and I’m not proud of selfishness I allowed to overcome me.

I don’t want to be a flight attendant. I don’t want to be anything other than God’s story-teller. But all this time I’ve been trying to find good stories to tell the good news, he’s been trying to write his story upon my heart. This is where redemption begins. Forgiveness. Hope. Faith. And above all – love.

There’s a song that Hillsong United performs called NEW WINE. The lyrics speak of laying down your life and your own hopes and dreams to be what God wants you to be – the thing he designed each of us to do. To find his will is to find true life and I’m reminded of that right now. I want to walk in God’s will. I want to walk in God’s life for me and his light that leads me to that path. I hope I see it now and never lose sight of again. I hope love is restored tonight and my son receives healing where he needs it the most – in his heart.. and in his soul. And I have this feeling that as God restores all that was broken and lost in him, that there will be a restoration in us all. We’re all connected after all, by the same thing… God’s love.

Imagine it…

I’m on the beach holding my daughter’s hands as we close our eyes and join our hearts to pray…

“God, your word says where two or more are gathered in your name you are in the midst of us…” and we prayed for Josh. And on this same night, he puts a gun to his head and his father lays in bed all night in a puddle of tears praying out to God to heal and help his son Josh. How did we all get aligned on the same day – May 2, 2025? How did we all feel the stirring to join our hearts in love for this boy on the same night? How did he wake up the next morning with an undying desire to get in his car and drive 24 hours to get to me in California? How did Glenn have it arranged in his thoughts to call me and invite me to surf and then flip the script and invite Josh to sleep on his couch when he arrived?

God truly does go before us and make a way. He truly does answer our prayers and make a way where there was no way. God truly does author our stories in the very moments when we feel that all hope is lost – in that moment of powerlessness and surrender he moves and he moves mightily.

I asked God in meditation a few days ago what he wanted me to do – for him. He showed me three visions. The first formed as it looked like vegetables and salads with greens on top. I thought it meant to eat healthy and clean. The second vision I saw a plane flying. The third I saw a notebook page. He knows that I feel unsettled and underutilized in flying on these trips and he knows that I’m struggling to know what my diet should consist of and he knows I write letters every day. He also knows that I built a prayer sandbox on the day that we asked for healing over my son. So, I will do what he shows me even though it doesn’t make sense to me now.

I want a home for me and my son and a promised land as I’ve been shown is in my future. I want my dog back to live with me and my kids here and healed. And if it’s God’s will I hope their father will have a beautiful home too – here if that’s what he chooses.

In the meantime, I will do my best to be obedient to what God has shown me. I will keep flying and keep writing and trying to stay in good health away from meats and processed foods. I will do my best to cherish each day he gifts me on this earth and glory in the small moment where I feel love and I feel loved – even if that’s been a daily battle for years I believe he’s restoring my heart and I’m so thankful he knows best what I need now.

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Online Scam

Tamra showed me a guy she’d been talking to from a dating site. She told me a couple of weeks ago that his image had appeared to her in a dream before she met him online. “Maybe it’s too good to be true,” she said to me. I remember when she told me about seeing in his image in a dream how I’d made so many decisions based on an image in a dream too. Well, many of them.

David was in my dream in 2019. I thought it meant he was sent from God to love me. That dream made me trust it and that trust made me follow dream upon dream until I finally ended up here with nothing. I have no relationship with him and as I type this I feel so stupid in the most recent events as it’s pretty clear this man has been playing me like a chess piece. He freaked out when he saw that I had a video of him snoring in bed, not because he’s insecure but because he’s hiding something. He won’t allow me to know his address. He disappears for days at a time and back in February after the big night at the Malibu rocks when I tagged him in a picture he immediately took it down and then I received a message from a blocked account telling me that he was a player and she was seeing him too.

Why have I chosen to keep my eyes covered and pretended to believe in him? Is a story that powerful?

I also had the S man appear in several dreams. And I guess that fantasy is the reason I push so hard to have my book turned into a film. I believed if I could just do the things that I saw in a fictionary vision then I could receive the reward on the other side. How foolish of me…..

I don’t want to dream anymore. I don’t want to allow myself to keep believing in fables and lies. I have hurt myself so much in hoping for things that clearly aren’t real.

Foolish girl. Stop it.

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Wall of Hope

All I have right now of my children is a wall of photos. My son is Dana Point and he’s asked me to not call him anymore. When we speak he’s angry and lashes out at me for trying to help him with jobs and doctor appointments. Yesterday he told me that Glenn was giving him money to do chores around the house. I said, “that’s good,” and he started screaming at me, “No! Don’t say that! Nothing is good. When are you going to understand that nothing is ever good in my life!” I told him I had to go and ended the call then laid there in tears for several hours there-after.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever felt inside – to be disconnected from my own child in such an extreme way, where it seems that I’m the enemy in his eyes. I pray Glenn is the angel sent into his life by God. I pray that the words of the Bible, “All things are working for your good,” are true of this situation here and now.

I fight with myself 24/7 trying to find a plan. I pray and ask God to give me a home for my kids and for my dog to come back to me. I beg God to give me a career and a new door open that will grant me financial freedom and allow me to quit the airline job that I hate. I beg God to give me love and people who are good for me and who don’t judge me and look for what’s wrong with me but instead look for what’s good about me.

Last night I sent a video clip to D of him snoring. I thought he would crack up laughing and make a silly joke about himself or the noise his nose was making in the video. We used to laugh. He used to take himself so lightly and it gave me a safe space to do the same. He instead attacked me with viscous words and told me that I was weird and he called me “gross” for mocking the way he responded to me.

For so long now, everyone in my life has played the role of a fault finder. I am the one to blame for everything – even breathing it seems. My personality is unwanted, my desire to laugh and feel connected to others is unwanted. My ideas are casted down and no one listens to me. I wonder as I type this is Tamra will even read the book and script I sent. We did have an agreement that if I did her artwork she was going to help me submit my book to others. She said I would need to take the God and Jesus stuff out for it to be appealing to others. I know this is her speaking what’s true because I’ve been told that many times before. No one wants to hear about Jesus in stories. My writing isn’t welcome in Hollywood because here the God is a manmade kingdom.

My very life is on this planet today because Jesus woke me from death. Literally, I was dead as a doornail and not a single human came for me on the floor of my mom’s dining room. Jesus woke me and I didn’t even know that until decades later on the floor passed out in my master bedroom as my ex-husband’s head was covered in blood and I searched for my phone to call 911. That’s when he took me back in time. That’s when he spoke to me who he was and is. That’s also the place where I’d written the book of Skyla. The same bathroom floor.

I don’t feel good. I never do. I’m overly burdened by bills and problems and I don’t know how to uncover myself from any of it. I want to not walk alone anymore. I want someone in my life who honors the Lord and has also walked through the tribulations and trials and found the truth of who he is. I don’t want to hide my stories anymore. I don’t want to be hated and despised by the ones I thought were in my life to do life with me.

I reached out to a real estate man today who went up against the NAR in lawsuit over seller rights to sell properties outside of the MLS. He said he’d call me later. If he does I hope God does something amazing with this talk and opens a door for me to help the Sullivans sell their home. I need the money so badly. I also need a new outlet. I need something to believe in and people there with me who aren’t scared to take on the systems of this world and the injustices. The control. The hierarchy. The money that rules over bribery and wrongdoing.

I only know to keep trying and keep praying. I only know to keep walking in faith but I really really don’t have much strength left. Even today I couldn’t go to work. I’m too tired. I’m exhausted.

My main prayer above all is to have my hope renewed. I need Jesus to let me know he’s still here and he still sees me. I need Jesus to appear to me and show me his presence and his plans. I need to know that I’m loved and not forgotten. I need to know that he’s not mad at me. I need to know that he hasn’t abandoned me. I need to know that he hasn’t turned his face against me. I need to know that I’m loved, forgiven and held.

I just sit here each day waiting. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to spend my time. I don’t know how to enter the Lord’s rest and I don’t know how to receive blessings when it seems like everything in me and around me is out of place and unsettled. I feel alone and broken. I feel like a boat without an oar. I feel like a woman walking in the dark without a lighthouse ahead to guide me home. I feel like a castaway, a throw-away and a forgotten in a world that has no need for me or place for me anymore. I feel unimportant in every means of the word.

I’m so tired of failing. I’ve tried everything….

I’ve tried everything to make peace with my ex-husband and to have a God-centered common view with him to be the best we can be for our children. That only got me used, stollen from, mocked and blamed.

I’ve tried everything to help my son. That only got me cursed at and yelled at and he demanded I leave him along and not call him anymore.

I’ve tried everything to find a job here. No one has hired me and the 2 offers I did have ended up in no real payment or investment in me made.

I’ve tried everything to heal my relationship with my mother. Nothing has worked.

I’ve tried everything to make Dave love me and have peace in my relationship with him. Nothing has worked.

None of my relationships have worked despite my trying…… and I just received a message from Prophet Russ…

It says, “I am a big God. I can do things beyond your imagination. And it says I should not allow the falls of the past or the doubts of today to stop me from boldly going forward… But what is that I want to do?

I want to be the story of justice for the widows and the fatherless. I want to be the evidence that good wins and love wins and our loving Father takes all the wrongs and makes them right. I want to live as a testimony that the Lord loves us – the unwanteds of the world and creates miracles in our path and gives us favor to uplift us as the humble and meek in this land. I want to write the book of this truth in my daily walk.

He uses the broken… and makes the broken his most beautiful masterpiece of all. I want to be the story of David that the world thought was weak and unqualified to do anything good. I want to be the foolish thing that confounds the wise. I want to be the one that everyone who passed up and looked over sees risen and says, “Wow, how did I not see her? Why did I pass her up? Why did I treat her like she was nothing?”

I hope this man calls me and I hope God leads the conversation divinely and opens a door I can’t even imagine to an opportunity that’s amazing and exceedingly great for me. What if this talk is the start of a new opportunity in luxury real estate here in California? What if this man becomes my new Doug Erdy? What if the breakthrough I’ve been praying for is today?

The word says that the Lord will give back to me everything that was stollen from me. I open my heart the best I can today to receive this and I hope and I pray for good news today. God knows I’m doing my best to keep chasing, keep calling, keep following whatever I can.

Revelation 3:7 says … He will set a table for me and put them at my feet to worship me. And they will know the Lord loved me. I ask for this to start now – my climb up to begin now. I don’t deserve to be alone and hated and made small I don’t have evil intentions in my heart. I have loved and I have tried my best to do everyone right. I try to be honest and not lie to people and I try to create peace always. I need a break Lord Jesus. I need a day of the mourning to end. I pray that could be today. I need a win Lord.

Thank you.

In Jesus’ name – Amen

Lord – please do something good with my life. Please do it now. Show me I have purpose to be here and that you’re not done with me yet.

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