I’ve been looking for the miracle for years now. I kept pursuing healing in my ex-husband even until the end as I was being attacked and discarded. I’ve been praying for my family to somehow be brought back together (me and my kids). I’ve prayed relentlessly for a relationship with my mom that includes truth, forgiveness and reconciliation. I’ve prayed for God to bless my new relationship with the man I followed all the way to California. I’ve prayed and cried and prayed and cried day after day and year after year. But God says no.

When I can’t have what I want then what can I have? When I can’t do what I want then what can I do? When I lose everything that mattered the most, what can I gain?

I don’t even know where I’m going to live next month. I move to California SURE that it was God’s open doors and his will for me. And now my roomate and I aren’t hitting it off, she has a ton of drama and she wants to rent her place out and move downtown. I have looked and looked but I don’t know how I will get an apartment there. I’ve asked God to give me a new job, take me back home, do anything he wants to do but please save me.

I’ve asked God for love. I’ve asked God for friendships that will truly be real and authentic. I’ve asked God for opportunity and open doors to get my life in order. I’ve asked God wisdom, vision and a path I can follow and have inspiration towards.

All I see is a No. Where is the yes?

I’m doing a podcast show with a man who can maybe help me with this. He prayed for healing and he was left paralyzed. But then he became one of the world’s greatest inspirational speakers. God said no to what he wanted but gave him something really big to do regardless.

I think about the story of Joseph sold into slavery by his family. I feel a lot like that. I don’t know where to go or how to stop crying and see light at the end of the tunnel. I feel so helpless and alone.

I do have an offer to update Ovi’s speech next week. I hope I do a good job and I hope he does pay me. I also have this podcast which I won’t get paid for but I hope I do a good job and I hope God will use something in all of this to show me where I belong and what he’s doing with my life.

I surrender my family, the guy I wanted, the story I hoped to turn into a movie and this job too. I give up. I really don’t know where God wants me to go or how to navigate anymore alone like this.

I pray that God shows me something like Chad’s story. When God says no to what we want he has something better is the storyline I felt I’ve been chasing forever now. It might be only little wins to celebrate but I hope I get them.

In Jesus’ Name…

Amen

My greatest fear is abandonment. It’s also the thing that’s happened over and over. And because of that, it’s a huge deal to be vulnerable. When the one comes along who strips away that outer layer you feel naked. And that’s exactly what happened to me. He didn’t know what a big deal it was for me. He didn’t know that I don’t do this. He treated me like everyone before me and I treated him like something special. Or did I?

Apparently this has been in me all along. The drop everything to sacrifice for love so that it doesn’t go away thing. And when matched with someone who’s greatest fear is losing themselves in another you have a complete unbalance. One chases with all she’s got while the other runs for his life.

Have I learned the lesson to love without losing myself and can he learn the lesson to give love as he gives to himself? I guess the answer is no. And all he wants is to get away from the toxic relationship that was trying to disrupt his dreams in this world. And all she wants is to feel safe in love with someone who will put love above the desires of this world.

Well… I guess the purpose and person and are meant to both matter and maybe I’m the wrong one wishing for love to be more important than the dream God places in me. I guess it’s easy for me to feel that way when I don’t really have a dream of my own that I’m aware of. But to let love go and sit with an empty slate, perhaps I can then realize what the dream might be.

As for him, if he his who he may be than he will seek to fill the void and distract himself nonstop until he one day realizes that nothing can satisfy his soul and nothing can compare to me.

He seeks purpose without love. I seek love without purpose. So it would seem we both have some work to do.

I hope to find what that is soon. When people are no longer occupying a pedestal in my life, then what does my soul want to do? Can I align with a purpose that allows me to love myself and others without being in love with a man? That’s what I feel would help me heal and find peace within myself.

Hating him or making him the bad guy won’t help me. It also won’t end this suffering as I’ve learned repeatedly. He was my biggest fan for a minute and that felt good. Now I need to reign that back in and just let him go and let him be.

Let them go. Let them choose to walk away. Let them have their will and walk their journey. Release them in love and remember everything you did was in love. No matter how it all turned out it’s ok. The love was a gift even if it is no more.

In truth, no one who’s ever loved me has forgotten me. So I can walk on knowing that in some way I did plant a seed of love and it was beautiful while it lasted.

I see it. But I don’t know what to do about it.

I see the vulnerability that leads to victimhood. I see the separation of families brought about by taking in content where pornography and sex exploitation is normalized. I see the women who have unmet needs that end up lured into by “friendly” help that aim to uproot and isolate in order to use her.

She just wants love, acceptance and safety. She ends up a slave.

I hate his darkness. The heart that sees a woman as an object meant to obtain and then use as he sees fit.

I hate a prayer today that’s bigger than me. I wish to see this darkness destroyed and overturned. The vengeance of the Lord poured out upon all who dare manipulate and cause harm to one of these little ones. The orphans, the fatherless and the widows as the uncovered and vulnerable in this world.

So I ask God today to open the doors only he can open. I understand his heart and desire for this group. I have a fire of rage and compassion that seeks justice on the matter. But I’m only one woman.

I see the WOF house. I pray that it will be given to me and I’ll know what to do with it. I pray that God directs my steps and tells me the moves I must make now to get where I’m going. I pray that I’m surrounded by guiding angels, waring angels and healing angels that protect me, lead me and divinely place me in the situations and surroundings that grant me the keys to unlock this gift of purpose.

Today I call down fire from Heaven in the stirring of my heart and ask God to pour out his fury upon all who stand in my way and to give me the means to be the warrior I wish to be now.

……

I applied for jobs on Linked In today until the “you have exceed your easy apply daily limit” message appeared. I keep thinking about Bill McStay. He was captured in war and escaped. This POW came back here to become the CMO for Pennzoil and a mentor who changed my life among many others I’m sure. I’ve been a prisoner in many types of different wars. I too escaped death and chains of a different kind. Could I be a decision maker and director of a major marketing role and be used in that space to inspire and help others? Maybe my space isn’t a church or a non-profit. But in business I also seem to rise to the top. If God is going to a open a door for me in this way I say yes and I pray I get the answer soon.

12:37 pm – September 4th, 2025

I guess I’ll go roller blading while I wait upon the Lord to see if any responses come my way….

The law was killed on the cross. He came to fulfill the law and then we were given much time to contemplate what that means. To lose the desire to war over another but instead to love. To have no expectations in love, to carry no blame towards others and to never see ourselves as a victim to the stories within our lives is to know that none of it truly matters because we are eternal in him.

We always have the chance to begin again. We always have another chapter awaiting us and we always have new love branching forth from the seeds of what we lose. And if I can know this, then what reason do I have to fear love? Let it come, let it flow and if it’s time let it go. Then welcome it again.

Today I have love in places that cause pain because I look back and ask myself if there’s anything I didn’t do or could’ve done more. And then I guilt myself for what I know is still love. I don’t hate anyone – even those who hurt me the most still occupy a part of my heart and I’m grateful for the experiences we had together. And I know I have to let that be as it is. It’s beautiful in its own way.

I also have new love that’s not yet defined. It might grow into something beautiful or it might just fade away into the foggy clouds of the unknown that lingers in all things that come, go and we let flow. I have learned that holding on tightly doesn’t make it so. And running away doesn’t make it disappear. Because love lives on the inside of us and so wherever we go, there it is with us. I have also learned that I can’t fix everything that’s broken and not all pain is meant for me to see and do. But maybe I’m just meant to hold a space of empathy and be a good listener without a response when no solution is given to me.

Dare I saw that Lawlessness is Love? No boundaries. No rules. No judgements. No required outcome. A beautiful broken mess of something growing, changing and evolving in a space where there is nothing I need to label as wrong. It’s just God’s masterpiece unfolding before me. And if I judge nothing outside of myself then perhaps I will no longer have the need to judge myself.

In all things, only God knows my heart. He knows I want the best for everyone and would never in my truest form wish pain or suffering upon another. I may not have the same draw to the ones who walk in pride but there is nothing to give someone who believes they need for nothing. So what purpose do I have with these? It’s in the ones who have a need that we can give of ourselves and therefore experience the love within our own beings. To be still and be quiet and wait for the invitation to give our love is quite the challenge for me.

I love giving. If I could spend the rest of my days giving I’d be a very happy woman. To cause another to feel good or to wear a smile is the most beautiful experience I’ve found in this life. There is nothing greater than this one thing. It is the fruits of thy labor, even if the moment is brief it is nonetheless magnificent.

In this second day of my fast as I seek to empty my cup and be baptized by the living water that cleanses me from all that I leave behind and creates in me a space for the new, I ponder what resurrection means to me. I believe it means seeking a higher love; being made ready to receive more of that beautiful substance called love that shines so bright it has the capacity to transform even the darkest of rooms. It’s why I came here to California. Love. I followed a seed that was planted in my heart and I prayed and believed that it would be watered in this place somehow. The scripture that was circulating in my thoughts without ceasing was this…..

18“Do not call to mind the former things; pay no attention to the things of old. 19Behold, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness and streams in the desert. 20The beasts of the field will honor Me, the jackals and the ostriches, because I provide water in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to My chosen people.… – Isaiah 43:19

So here I am; once again tested with the option to go back or walk forward now believing that God is doing something amazing that I can’t yet see. Texas was my home and where I have so much love for those God gave to me to love in the first half of my life. But to walk through the ashes of yesterday over and over again, wishing to relive a past that’s left me far behind is to not trust that God is doing a new thing now.

I wait upon the Lord and ask my heart to be courageous and know that love will never deceive me. To follow love is never a mistake. To hope for love is very reason hope exists. To walk in faith for love is to seek the kingdom within and to be rescued by love is the ultimate Promised Land on the other side of all the pain endured along the path.

Maybe I live in the pages of a Hallmark movie as many would call naive and foolish. But I’d rather believe in the story of love than to cast my pearls before swine and give all that I am to the temporary pleasure in being rewarded with material possessions. In my heart I believe one doesn’t exist without the other. If love is the foundation of my purpose then love will reward me with all the desires of my heart inside and outside. Love is my reason. Love is my flame that sparks creativity for new ventures and love is my home that can never be uprooted or destroyed.

Let me be love as my Father in Heaven is love and his will is for not one to be lost and separated from Love.

So my prayer today is that God would wash away all that’s not love inside of me. And that I will be made new, like a little child who’s never before known what it’s like to bleed. I pray that my heart will be made fearless and I will have nothing in me that doesn’t speak, do and shine love’s bright light out into everything I touch.

May LOVE be the only law that governs me from this day forward.

The last 24 hours have been quite amazing and as I begin this post, I am compelled to write what I have just scribbled onto a notebook pad.

“Write the truth and the whole truth.. My Blessings & My Fury”. – Said the Lord to me.

“I promise and say yes to documenting everything you do with every person, client, transaction and every story.” – I responded.

Then I wrote $200. This is a number that sent me into a night of suicide by death when I was 17 years old as I’d worked to collect this amount to help a friend who I found out was in jail – my teenage crush. This was also the number I received when I sold a video console to in Miami to a young aspiring film-maker who had just received an offer to film a documentary for a man who was going to build a restaurant franchise from nothing in a 90 day window.

I’ve never liked speaking what I consider to be bad. I don’t like lying, manipulation, murder, bullying or horrible acts that people commit upon one another. I specifically don’t like talking about the bad things people have done to me; when I’ve been lied to or hurt in some way. But today I understand as I woke up and felt the desire to pull a devotional from the Bible which led me to Ezekiel 7.9; that when God calls someone to speak truth, this calling isn’t about what the person with the pen in her hand wants to write. It’s about acting as a court reporter in a room who doesn’t think about what is taking place but only reports all that is said and witnessed. As the “inkhorn” who walked next to the man in white linen, (Jesus Christ), I accept the assignment today to report all that I witness from this day forward.

So let’s start here. August 29th, 2025

This morning I had my coffee, did my devotional and found Ezekiel 7:9 which speaks about a very troubling time in Jerusalem. God shows Ezekiel the hearts and prayers unspoken by the Priests (horrible abominations), he shows him the buying and selling of goods that are alive, (I knew it was the selling of women and children) and he shows him the women weeping, (I knew it was the widows). By the way, God showed me that widows means any woman who’s lost her husband by death or who has been put away by him in divorce; discarded as if unto death.

Then Roger called me; my friend from Houston who opened a business using the vision I was given in 2020 to create Armored Real Estate (after the scriptures that speak of the armor of God). We talked about these things and in that discussion I saw the two doorways that are not open yet. Let me elaborate on this for a moment.

Today, I live in a room I rent from a script writer in Woodland Hills California. I work as a flight attendant and live paycheck to paycheck. I’ve lost everything that I once called my blessings. I cared for a husband in his health crisis and then he divorced me 3 years after his accident. I lost my son in the divorce, who was only a few weeks short of 18 and wanted to go with his dad because he said I was too strict and didn’t let him have any fun. My daughter stayed with me as I moved around the country in a horrible dark place of mourning and then she moved on in March of 2025 to get her own place in Florida as I was relocated the very next day to LA on my job.

If I were to be honest about my life today, I’d tell you a parable about a beautiful house that burned down and nothing was left but the ashes as memories of what once was full of love, laughter, success and joy. Through my times of need I’ve been rejected by family, friends, church connections and even my own children in ways that are so heartbreaking it’s hard to speak it. I only have left myself, this laptop and a few friends who check on me now and then. So I’m certainly not in a position that anyone in their right mind would wish for or aspire to achieve. Not today anyway.

By the way, God wants me to point out that Fury is an angel part of his wrath – tied to the message I left above in the command to speak of his blessings and his Fury.

I have a man messaging me now about a room near the ocean he has for rent. He wanted $1,800 and came back at $1,600 but he wants a deposit of $1,600, which I don’t have. Also I’d need to buy furniture if I moved there. I told him I can only do a couple of hundred dollars deposit. Meanwhile yesterday a woman told me she has a bed and nightstands I could have if needed (she’s a woman I met on a plane about a year ago).

Also, a marketing man with a merch business messaged me earlier asking how much money I’d need to take a job with him selling for his company. I told him I’d need $95,000 to start with a draw and commission payment plan as I learned.

And finally, Roger is having health issues and says he’s stressed and needs to take a step back on some things. He might have a project for me or work arrangement.

I’m going to control none of this and let God do what he wants with all these pieces. After all, I’m saying yes to being the witness and writer – not the author of all that happens from this point forward.

I’m excited to see what God does with this today.

Tonight I went to the creative event at Believe LA Church. I saw a panel of famous music producers, actresses and producers talk about their fame and the walk with God in it. Then I got home, opened my instagram with intent just a leave a note and say thank you to them but the post on my home page grabbed my attention; Angel Studios.

I had just discussed this with the producer lady as she was walking out. I told her about my book and that I’d been turned away by many because my story has too much God and Jesus stuff for Hollywood. She told me to research production companies that take faith based film stories.

So with this in mind I clicked on the link and started filling out a form for my “series” of the story I’m not even sure God wants for me to write. But a title caught my attention for a film project called Hope. It’s a true story where a woman talked a church in east Texas into adopting 77 kids that were in an adoption ring. These children were abused and some even being pimped out for sex. There was violence and drama and one line that caught my attention and hit me in the chest was,…

There are over 400,000 kids in the adoption system and ironically approximately 400,000 churches who sitting around doing nothing about this – lifting up the NAME OF JESUS every Sunday.

Meanwhile James 1:26 says the only religion undefiled before God our Father (that doesn’t make him want to puke) is to care for the fatherless and orphans and defend the widows.

If every church in this country just adopted 1 kid per church we’d end the orphan crisis in this country.

And as for the widows; that word means woman without a husband (it’s not a woman who’s husband died). These women are the uncovered and defenseless who end up getting raked over my all kinds of evil because they have no support or protection. Meanwhile the church often takes the position of calling these women filthy, prostitutes and turning them away as the root of all they call sin in the name of their marriage-based sermons.

Who he calls he qualifies – I’ve had to suffer in both of these roles to see the truth of how the fatherless and the widows are treated by society and sadly the ones who call themselves the “church”.

I cried and told God, I can’t do anything about this. I have no means to help. He said to me, when I put you in position, do not lose focus of the mission.

Heavenly Father, I will not.

Spent hours trying to fix my Texas drivers license situation. So many things go wrong with Texas. I also feel the fear from the home owner and my family there – all talking about warnings and death. I don’t want to live in that. I heard a woman years ago say if it brings you anxiety it’s not your calling. You’re out of alignment. Maybe or maybe not. But I can’t fix this stuff.

God you rescued me before. Please do it again and in completion this time. I see myself doing with my son what I did with his Dad. Rewarding the bad behavior, letting guilt and shame pull me down into a pit where I die so they can use me. The lazyness and not wanting to work and to put all their burdens on me. Help me to say no and give me something beautiful to celebrate in new love.

I have to accept that if your will is to do something with my son that I don’t like, he’s your kid, before my kid. I don’t know his path and what you are doing with him. I ask you to heal him and I ask you to make him a strong man but I am so tired Lord. I have tried everything for years and years so please help me to lay this down and be done with it.

I surrender my son to you Lord. I surrender my son to you Lord. I ask you to break me free of these chains of guilt and shame and to cause him to go his own way and rise up as a man should rise up not leaning on his mother as his source and his punching bag.

Help me to let this go and show me how to carry forward in what you want to do with me and my life. Help me to see the pathway of freedom and love. Help me to learn the lessons I learned with Kenna and to step away and let you do a mighty work and help me to stop thinking about this and worrying.

Thank you for Glenn, Lord let Josh get help from Glenn to learn how to book his flight and get to the airport. Please release me from this completely today.

I don’t want to be their savior lord, I need saving. I need your healing. I need your love. I need your provisions. I need your help out of this and into better days. Please save me and release me and give me hope and a future God.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

I had a dream last night I recall only a little of. In my dream I saw Tamra cleaning her house and removing rugs to sweep up all the stuff underneath it. I felt bad in the dream because I didn’t clean the floors before she got home.

Then I had a dream that Dave called and said something about loving me. I was pre-occupied and asked if he could repeat it and he started talking about how he does love me and he sounded like he was struggling to express what he wanted to say but asked me if he could come pick me up – go for a drive.

In another part of the dream we both called out for work and I was thinking I had no other job to fall back on if I lose that job.

I woke up and saw the runner girl from SD on my feed doing a bikini photoshoot. She’s 47 and I found her because a girl I flew with was talking about how she’s so pretty and in such good shape at her age so I copied her account to follow her. It’s interesting only a few people commented on her post. One “you look great girl” and she responded indicating it was from her massage therapist. This is reminding me of my season in Houston when I was only supported in my healing by my massage therapist, the pilates instructors and essentially the ones who were part of the upward journey. It seems your friends, family and people who loved you while you were a sick wounded bird don’t like seeing you get better. We don’t celebrate the resurrection of others when we’re down.

I then talked to myself for a few minutes about how the vape makes me feel. And I want to stop doing it.

I would like to set a goal for myself to do a bikini photoshoot. But I have to remember that the only people who will celebrate me in that are me and God. Maybe he will send a few others who will be part of it and feel good with me. To break addiction, feel better and get my body and soul QUICKENED by the Holy Spirit once again is a single mission of a warrior who listens only to a Father in Heaven who desires to see me walk in my path as a whole and complete healthy woman.

I keep thinking about “Rogers Will” and Will Rogers that day I went to roller blade at the beach and the beautiful girl I’ve seen twice now who is walking out there. She looks like she spends a ton of time working on her body and she’s so beautiful, smiling and confident. I don’t know what she does for work but she looks free and amazing and so very pretty.

Last night listening to Billy Graham and other messages I just felt very convicted that I’ve been surrounded by people who only talk about fear, death, sickness and the end of things. I don’t feel that God is preparing me for a hospital and I feel very out of alignment when I engage with these discussions. In my visions I saw myself happy, in love and wearing a red swimsuit.

I’ve walked in the valley and I’ve served and I’ve laid my life down and I don’t want to stay stuck down there. I want to be a testimony of what God has done. But I also know that all I’ve tried to do myself doesn’t work. If Dave comes back a humbled man confessing his love for me it’s not because I did anything. All of my efforts have failed. If God opens a door for us to do something together that requires us to quit our jobs that will be a door that God opens because I’ve applied for a million jobs and tried everything to get myself into a better or different place than where I’m at.

I’ve seen that new love heals, inspires, motivates change and pulls out of of the ashes. And Papa I believe planted a seed for something. He said he prayed nonstop for God to send me my partner to love me. I believe God is answering those prayers. And the person will be tied to my purpose.

The most aligned I’ve ever felt with a man is in season we had a common goal. When God gave us Kenna we became a team to raise and support her. When God gave us the falling away of our jobs with Jim we were picked up in a new direction to do real estate and to learn how to build things and rejuvenate broken things (in the project of remodeling that house).

My years knowing Dave we’ve had a constant focus on health and wellness. From what foods we eat to our workout schedules and battling depression to better ourselves and not be lazy, and with mindfulness of why we do what we do and think what we think, there have been themes around silence, solitude and setbacks to regroup, adapt and keep going. And we’ve both been placed in long seasons of waiting. He’s waiting on a 71 year old to retire so he can have a shot at his dream job. I’m waiting on him to get his house in order so he can have a place prepared for me to invite me in.

I know God wouldn’t send me here for no reason. I feel turned off by everything right now and really feel like I’m being asked to go into silence and let God finish what he started in me. “He is faithful to complete the work he started in me.” I also feel God is asking me to “Be Still and know I am God.” To allow the pieces to all fall where they will and remove myself from chaos so that he can speak to my heart, guide me, quiet this storm and move me into position where my blessing are waiting.

He says, “I will fight for you, you need only be still.” “Enter into my rest.”

I’m going to write him a letter now.

Yesterday my Papa passed over. I went to the beach to roller blade and collected some burnt sticks and stones when I left. Then I started to craft a light I planned to make with the idea to sell it at a store. But today the image I used to turn into a logo for LL club – a marketing company that doesn’t yet exist; but I’m being asked to sell a home in Texas without listing it.

It’s interesting that the things we use to sell a home with I won’t have in my favor. It would take a miracle to find a buyer and yet, maybe that’s the kind of faith God is asking me to have in him.

I felt strongly that the concept of forgiveness was upon me – as if my Papa was with me telling me to please lay down at the cross all that I’ve carried in my heart and thoughts towards my mother. And I prayed and asked God to help me do that the whole way home. But he’s been doing it all along – showing me how my pain is very similar to what my mom went through. She’s just a child of God like me. We don’t want to hurt anyone intentionally; especially those we love the most.

Today, I want every word I’ve ever spoken about anyone to be removed and washed over in the blood of Jesus. I am so not perfect and he says no one is good except the Father in Heaven.

These branches maybe represent my process. After the fire, when everything is burnt away and left in ruin only 3 remain. Hope love and faith. And the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Today is my son’s birthday and what I hope for most is for him to feel loved today. I hope he also gets hope today – something to look forward to so that he too can lay down the past and put it away. I can’t give it to him but God can.

I also don’t feel the desire to see Dave anymore. I was trying to hard to replace what I’d lost and felt abandoned by God because I feel alone. But God’s plan isn’t something I can force.

So I just do my best through the anger, the frustration, the loneliness and the guilt that I should never carry; as my righteousness in what Jesus did not what I could ever do – to lay it all down. To be grateful that I can’t earn righteousness but that the free gift he gives me is a promise that I’ll dine in paradise with him one day no matter how many mistakes I’ve made and continue to make each day. He loves me and he’s not forgotten me even when I can’t feel him near.

Maybe I’ve been pruned and everything inside of me and outside of me has been taken and destroyed to ruins… and maybe that hurt really bad today. But after the fire there is still these 3 branches that remain. And that’s a tree perhaps God can use to create new fruit and paint beauty in my ashes.

I ask for God’s guidance in this video I’m making and for the Glory of the Lord to be seen in the results.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

I let Dave go tonight and I thank God for the ending as they all have been changed in their hearts and convicted to let me go. Now I have a clean slate. Now I am free. Tomorrow is the first day of the beginning of miracles.

I’m excited to write and report all of the AMAZING things God is bringing into my experience and blessing me with now.

This is it. This is the new chapter. This is my new beginning and HE is the author. So it’s going to be so great. I can’t wait to see what his movie that he’s chosen me to live in will look like.

It starts now. The stage is set. The people are in their seats. It’s showtime in God’s story.

12:59 AM – Washington DC – August 11th