Dreams 818

I had a dream last night I recall only a little of. In my dream I saw Tamra cleaning her house and removing rugs to sweep up all the stuff underneath it. I felt bad in the dream because I didn’t clean the floors before she got home.

Then I had a dream that Dave called and said something about loving me. I was pre-occupied and asked if he could repeat it and he started talking about how he does love me and he sounded like he was struggling to express what he wanted to say but asked me if he could come pick me up – go for a drive.

In another part of the dream we both called out for work and I was thinking I had no other job to fall back on if I lose that job.

I woke up and saw the runner girl from SD on my feed doing a bikini photoshoot. She’s 47 and I found her because a girl I flew with was talking about how she’s so pretty and in such good shape at her age so I copied her account to follow her. It’s interesting only a few people commented on her post. One “you look great girl” and she responded indicating it was from her massage therapist. This is reminding me of my season in Houston when I was only supported in my healing by my massage therapist, the pilates instructors and essentially the ones who were part of the upward journey. It seems your friends, family and people who loved you while you were a sick wounded bird don’t like seeing you get better. We don’t celebrate the resurrection of others when we’re down.

I then talked to myself for a few minutes about how the vape makes me feel. And I want to stop doing it.

I would like to set a goal for myself to do a bikini photoshoot. But I have to remember that the only people who will celebrate me in that are me and God. Maybe he will send a few others who will be part of it and feel good with me. To break addiction, feel better and get my body and soul QUICKENED by the Holy Spirit once again is a single mission of a warrior who listens only to a Father in Heaven who desires to see me walk in my path as a whole and complete healthy woman.

I keep thinking about “Rogers Will” and Will Rogers that day I went to roller blade at the beach and the beautiful girl I’ve seen twice now who is walking out there. She looks like she spends a ton of time working on her body and she’s so beautiful, smiling and confident. I don’t know what she does for work but she looks free and amazing and so very pretty.

Last night listening to Billy Graham and other messages I just felt very convicted that I’ve been surrounded by people who only talk about fear, death, sickness and the end of things. I don’t feel that God is preparing me for a hospital and I feel very out of alignment when I engage with these discussions. In my visions I saw myself happy, in love and wearing a red swimsuit.

I’ve walked in the valley and I’ve served and I’ve laid my life down and I don’t want to stay stuck down there. I want to be a testimony of what God has done. But I also know that all I’ve tried to do myself doesn’t work. If Dave comes back a humbled man confessing his love for me it’s not because I did anything. All of my efforts have failed. If God opens a door for us to do something together that requires us to quit our jobs that will be a door that God opens because I’ve applied for a million jobs and tried everything to get myself into a better or different place than where I’m at.

I’ve seen that new love heals, inspires, motivates change and pulls out of of the ashes. And Papa I believe planted a seed for something. He said he prayed nonstop for God to send me my partner to love me. I believe God is answering those prayers. And the person will be tied to my purpose.

The most aligned I’ve ever felt with a man is in season we had a common goal. When God gave us Kenna we became a team to raise and support her. When God gave us the falling away of our jobs with Jim we were picked up in a new direction to do real estate and to learn how to build things and rejuvenate broken things (in the project of remodeling that house).

My years knowing Dave we’ve had a constant focus on health and wellness. From what foods we eat to our workout schedules and battling depression to better ourselves and not be lazy, and with mindfulness of why we do what we do and think what we think, there have been themes around silence, solitude and setbacks to regroup, adapt and keep going. And we’ve both been placed in long seasons of waiting. He’s waiting on a 71 year old to retire so he can have a shot at his dream job. I’m waiting on him to get his house in order so he can have a place prepared for me to invite me in.

I know God wouldn’t send me here for no reason. I feel turned off by everything right now and really feel like I’m being asked to go into silence and let God finish what he started in me. “He is faithful to complete the work he started in me.” I also feel God is asking me to “Be Still and know I am God.” To allow the pieces to all fall where they will and remove myself from chaos so that he can speak to my heart, guide me, quiet this storm and move me into position where my blessing are waiting.

He says, “I will fight for you, you need only be still.” “Enter into my rest.”

I’m going to write him a letter now.