No Longer Needed

I guess this how my Granny must have felt in her final days here on earth. She used to always say, “People only call when they need something. Otherwise you never hear from nobody.” I thought about it today – if I could remember ever seeing her happy. The only memories of this were from her younger years when she ran the flower shop. I remember her laughing and dancing with her sister and the crew. I remember her eyes lighting up when a child would come in and how emotionally attached she was to her customers and their stories.

She never talked about herself much. And after she got sick it seems she became bitter with the world that left her behind. No one hardly visited her. She passed away the days in pain and agony watching TV shows and sitting on a couch in her white night gown. She began to complain about all she never had or did and was upset that her husband never took her dancing or out to dinner or even to see a movie once in awhile. She had a collection of jewelry she all bought for herself – likely because the man in her life refused to honor her with gifts or affection. And she deserved better. She was beautiful, smart and the brightest light in every room.

I wonder why a prince never crossed her path and swept her off her feet. If anyone needed it, it was her.

Last night Dave sent me ugly text messages because I had tried to call him and sent him emotional long messages throughout the day. He ignored me and said he was working. But he butt dialed me and I heard his TV screen going. He wasn’t busy. He just didn’t want to speak to me. And that really hurt. I’ve always wanted a man who’s voice turns to mush when he hears me on the other line of the phone. Someone who cherishes every conversation and would drop the world to take my call. I’ve always wanted to feel wanted like that.

People say to attract love you have to first love yourself. But I’m afraid you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I don’t know how to love myself or to even feel like I’m somebody anymore without anyone loving me. I try to lean on God’s love but I can’t see him, touch him or talk to him. And my body hasn’t hold anyone to hold my hand in so many years, cuddle with me at night or love me through my hard days in so long, I don’t remember what love feels like anymore.

I guess his how Granny felt when they threw her in a home and she only had the nurses to talk to. It’s sad the way old people die alone and in her case, she did that with a husband still on this earth. So maybe that’s where I’m in this life – detaching from all that I’ve loved so dearly and the dreams I kept chasing for years upon years with no reunion of a love from the past and no new love to enter and sweep me off of my feet.

Maybe this world is done with me now. And maybe it’s time I just accept that and sit here alone until the Lord takes me home.

Tonight I pray that Jesus helps me to detach from all things that I’ve been trying so hard to hold onto. I pray that I can see what’s next and find peace in that place. I pray that I can go to sleep tonight holding myself tightly in all the places where I haven’t been held in nearly a decade.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I’d rather be gone. If this world has no use for me, I pray God sends me to another one where I can again feel the love of a family, togetherness and joy in my essence of existing for a reason with community and compassion.

If my kids don’t love me and my mom doesn’t want me and the man I loved with my whole heart cringes when he sees my phone number on his screen… Then God, please take me away to a place where I can feel what it’s like again to be appreciated.

I have to wake up in a few hours to fly out again and this house is so hot right now I feel feverish. Maybe in the morning I’ll see joy again whether in this body or in another realm.

Come Lord Jesus.. Come Quickly..

In Jesus Name,

Amen.