The New Thing

Before I left Miami, I kept seeing the scripture, “Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.” And I truly thought California was going to be a beautiful new beginning that God had prepared for me. But as soon as I got here the loves of my past came rushing in. First with my son driving to LA and then the repetitive conversations and troubles of trying to knit together a plan to reinstate a relationship with my mom and even to create peace with my ex.

This morning when I was waking up God was telling me, “It’s ok to fall out of love.” I thought it was quite strange of a thing for the Holy Spirit to say. And then I remembered in the past when people left my life how God would quickly do a miraculous healing on my heart. And I remember Angie telling me when Jewel passed, “You are meant to mourn for 3 days and on the 3rd day you accept it and you move on with your life.”

In recent talks with a Texas transportation company I’ve felt extreme anxiety about the idea of moving back there. And I think it’s because in my heart I know that there is nothing there calling me in from the heart. It would be an act of sifting through ashes and trying to water love that’s no longer fertile. It’s easy to say that about my ex; yet still I justify it with carnal acts as if I’m required to defend myself and explain why I don’t love him anymore. But with my kids it’s not as simple. Things are broken and I sift through the events that hurt me with my children; the betrayal, the words spoken, the demolishing of trust and closeness. And I ask myself why I give God the glory as the author in falling out of love with partners but I have been cursing myself for the way my heart feels in relationships with my blood relatives – mother and kids. The world tells us that we’re meant to always be in love with our parents and our children. It’s an assignment and a requirement. And I know that my love for them remains but the “in love” part isn’t there right now. Is that purposed by God? Does he put that opposition in place in order to separate us so that he can have his way with us and them when he’s in the process of shifting our paths?

Well right now I’m not sure of what will be in any area of my life. I have a relationship with Tamra that I’ve brought old wounds into with my mother and their similarities in personality. Although that seems to be lightening as she’s found happiness and new love with Tracey. And I have a relationship with Dave that feels stagnant and unmoving. Yet his friendship brings me a sense of peace, calm and connection in this transitional time. And I have a voice within that spoke to me today, “Love the one you’re with,” challenging me to let the past and all who aren’t here with me go; and rather focus on what’s right in front of me as the gift of God today.

Last night I watched Ruth and Boaz with Tamra and I cried the entire time. It was a story that seemed to heavy for one girl to carry as it was her past that was ruining lives of others. But the very ones who were harmed by the evil that chased her down were put in her life to love her through that and even protect her in the process. It seems crazy that Naiomi could love the girl who was in a sense responsible for the death of her son and husband. And yet she did love her and even told her, “Don’t carry this. You had nothing to do with what happened to my son and husband.” Naiomi saw the miracles of love even in her own brokenness and she glorified God in the love story of tragedy that led Ruth and Boaz together.

If I’m staying here I need a job here. I have looked on Linked In and taken interviews. I’ve been disappointed and it seems that God has been blocking me from finding a home in the purpose cabinet of my life. Yet he’s sent me little crumbs to keep me here in the project with the trucking show and the work I did to try to get Tamra’s pitch decks pretty for her producer send-offs. And somehow I feel like there’s another story underlying here – God story in my life that I can’t yet see. I look at the events unfolding and have a hard time believing God isn’t orchestrating it all.

The transfer to LA that I received the exact day after my daughter signed a lease in Florida. Meeting Tamra on a plane 2 months before that transfer as she called me on my birthday to offer me a place to stay and her car to use at the 11th hour before my big move. The way her and her fiance broke up at the perfect timing that would push her back to her condo in need of a roomate when I was set to come to town. Her projects that got me creating again and Steffanie’s piece that led me to speaking to Jason about a trucking show. And through it all I find that I’m grasping at the thing I think God is doing and then let down fast as the doors close in front of me. It’s confusing. I want to put my heart and soul into a project and know where God is leading me. But I only get these little sparks here and there that nudge me along.

Tamra has forced me to make a bio, make videos, create powerpoints again and even to make websites that went unused. I feel like all that I’ve made has fallen short of leading to another significant breakthrough. And yet the one thing I recently made that might be a direction God is given to me is scriptflame media. I want to tell God’s stories. I want to tell the stories of happy endings that follow tragedy and purpose in the pain. I don’t have my own happy ending to share with anyone today but maybe God is placing all of these stories around me to give me content to create.

I just bought the domain script sparks and maybe that’s all I need to focus on today is seeking the good news. I want to drive out to Malibu and I’m not sure why but everything I encounter has the power to be a story. Maybe I just need to start making little videos and telling the story of others around me as I feel inspired and posting those online to show there is still light in this world and there is still darkness and after the rain and the storm God lights a flame of new love and new beginnings.

Maybe I’m just meant to be a storyteller of everything good that comes my way and rather than placing these stories in the ears of a few I can make little videos with my audio and use stock footage to complete the little short films. It would be a be a beautiful thing to seek the good and let God give it to me and create an outlet to share what puts sparks in my own heart.

So today as I get dressed and head to Malibu without any given destination in mind I ask God to show me sparks. Light my heart on fire with a story of inspiration and give me the vision of how I can create these things and put them out there for the world. Not in preaching or teaching but just sharing. I want to be a messenger of the Good news that there is always a brighter day coming for all who keep walking and believing in the author of time. Our Lord Jesus.

Father make me a fisherman of men. Give me the bright light testimonies that I can feel in my heart and then convey to. bring Glory to Your name and your immortal pen that you’re writing with in all of our lives today. In Jesus’ Name – Amen.