Trying to Stay Positive

I’m trying so hard to count my blessings. The hope I felt when Stefanie said, “let’s go get your boy,” is gone. She told me that her pyshic friend advised her to not let me work with her. I was confused and crushed. I’d been looking for apartments and had the screen up on my laptop ready to send in my resignation to Delta. Turns out she has her own heavy weights she’s carrying as her oldest daughter she fears is captive to a lifestyle with her ex-husband that she once was victim to. I know how she feels. It’s hard to commit to helping others when your own situation is shattering your heart moment to moment.

I did feel excitement when the morning after I’d prayed for her, she texted me with news that both of her children agreed to spend Christmas with her this year. She was excited but guarded and already fearing something may happen to disappoint these plans. I know how that feels too. It seems everything I’ve done to help my son has been quickly attacked and destroyed by his father. It feels impossible. It’s sad. And it struck me again this week.

My friend Roger picked Josh up and took him to work with him. I felt so uplifted because the night before I had prayed very specifically for these two to connect. He said Josh worked hard and he paid him $150. My son was so excited and said he was going to use the money to pay his old traffic ticket and get his license – put it towards that amount at least. But not even 24 hours passed and his account was drained. He said they had no food and the dog hadn’t eaten in days so he went and bought groceries for the house and fed the dog.

I’m proud of his heart – that he’s so selfish he is always looking to give away everything he has. But I’m so sad that this boy can’t get his head above water and every attempt he makes to crawl out of this hole or every help offered to him by another immediately is taken away by his father. It seems be’s being used – like a hostage and everyone sees it but him.

I went to the apartment today where I’d set an appointment to get a 2 bedroom so my son could have a place to come live with me but during my drive they sent an email canceling the appointment. Extremely upset – wondering why God seemed to placing road blocks and disappointments in my path, I decided to drive out to Marina Del Ray and roller blade. I spoke to the woman who owns a condo and she welcomed me to come by and check out the work she was doing on the little ADU unit. I passed out prayer candles. I guess I’m trying to give to others what I need – someone to listen to them and someone to help them pray over the things they are battling and can’t seem to resolve.

I was walking the beach with tears covering my face when a group of surfers in black tents starting chanting, “Crack, crack, crack, cracker.” I looked over and saw the women under the tent that read, “Black Surfers Collective.” It hurt. I wonder if they had noticed the tears on my face would they still be so cruel? If they knew what kind of day I was having would it cause them to save their hatred for another time or a different target? I hate this world, I thought to myself as the dark cloud over me became heavier on this walk.

When I arrived back at the Lifeguard stand #44 where the hill leads back to the condo, I stopped at the bench to write in my journal but searched out a bathroom first. I saw a big black man sitting outside of the women’s restroom and I stood back for over 15 minutes waiting for him to leave – fearing that he might be with the group gathered down the beach. I’ve never been scared of someone because of the color of their skin before and many of my closest friends in times past were African American. But these people seemed to hate me for the color of mine and so I felt very confused and unsure of my own safety. Eventually a woman walked out with her daughter. I smiled at her, relieved the man was waiting for his family and not there to cause anyone harm.

After using the bathroom I sat down to journal and got a call from the ADU owner. She said the place would be ready in two weeks and offered to let me rent it for $1,700. She just said I couldn’t do any official paperwork because it’s not registered. Fear hit me again as I thought about being vulnerable in a lease with no contract that prevented her from kicking me out any time and leaving me homeless in LA by myself. But being alone away from my roomate seemed like a necessity at this time so I told her that I’d gladly accept the offer and could move as soon as it was available.

I celebrated the open door by calling Roger on my way home. His first response was, “Can Josh come live with you and get a job to pay the extra $350 you will be spending in difference of rent?” I sunk back into sadness. The woman wouldn’t allow my son to come stay there I knew. She was only offering the space to me because I’m never home and work as a flight attendant who won’t bother her Air brnb guests. Even if he had a job lined up for him this space wouldn’t create a home for us.

All I want is for my boy to be OK and I’d do anything in my power to make a way for this. God knows I wrestle with ideas that I’m not proud of – literally willing to lose my own soul if it would save him. And the little scared girl inside of me rises up in prayer tonight asking God, “Father is this your will for me?” I wonder why God won’t help me or make a way and why this has gone on for years now with no resolve.

I’m so tired. So very very tired.

I tried to take my mind off of it all by watching a movie and selected Suicide Squad. The very first villain featured was Will Smith. The woman told his story about a ruthless super human hit man. “Everyone has a weakness. His is a 11 year old little girl in New York.” I started balling – as if I was hearing the enemy talking to the prince of darkness in a board room about me. My son is my weakness on this planet. When he hurts I hurt. When he’s down I’m down. When he’s stuck in a prison of any kind, the bars keep me mentally, emotionally and physically chained in misery and worry.

Everytime I feel hope rise and witness a miracle – like the night he drove to California in the middle of the night on June 2nd, I believe God is moving mountains. I praise and I cry as if the world has just turned upside down and the Lord has answered my heart finally. And everytime I fall back into deep depression and hopelessness when it doesn’t work out.

I blame myself. I think about how judged and uncomfortable I feel living here with Tamra and how magnified that was for him here. She complained about how he looks, dresses and walked around in panic because she said her allergies are sensitive and she could smell weed on his clothes. She broke down and said he can’t be here because he triggers memories of when her son was suicidal and came to stay with her in the same room downstairs. How heartless and selfish of her to put her comfort (clinging to dreams of being a stupid producer of a film) over a life.

He’s a living breathing soul. He’s a boy who needs refuge. He’s my baby. Yes I want far away from this roomate.

But how will it be any different to go into another place where he’s not welcome? And why hasn’t he wanted to be with me in any of my homes before now when I had space and a bed for him to sleep in? Why is the timing so horribly backwards in all of this? I don’t know. God knows.

Does God know I’m drowning? Does God know I need help desperately? And if God is holding my tears in his bottle, why hasn’t that cup runneth over yet? I’ve been sewing in tears for many years – since 2016 over my son’s life. The last 6 years I’ve been away from him – believing the Lord is working in my absence. I read in the Bible where the story of the widow who lost her son, gave him to Elijah and shut the door then God healed him. I tell myself that’s what God is doing. He’s been asking me to shut the door and trust him to heal my boy and bring him back to life. But how long must I weep and wait?

My son told me earlier today that he wanted to drive to the machine shop where Roger thought he could get Josh a job so he could complete an application. But he has no car and his dad won’t take him. “Maybe if I call Granny tomorrow she will drive me up there,” he suggested. My heart sank as I responded in agreement to his idea. I hope she doesn’t shut him out as she’s done to me when I was in need of her help. I pray God makes a way for him and protects his heart as it’s fragile in a state of repeating let downs.

Not able to keep the heaviness to myself I texted Roger this conversation tonight between me and my son. Maybe he has an idea to help him get there. Then I texted Josh and told him that my Papa has a truck. Maybe since he passed away last month and doesn’t need it, they will let him borrow it. I’ve already asked but my uncle said it’s up to my mom and she never got back to me – so I assumed her answer was “no”.

It’s not easy being alone in this. I pray on the other side of the solitude God will show me why this trial had to be so difficult. I read things like, “Well God just wants you to depend only on him”. But that’s never been true of any biblical story as no one ever walked alone other than Christ in the wilderness. Even the disciples were sent out two by two in their power and ministry healing others. I need help. I need a friend to care about my son with me and hold my hand as I cry myself to sleep at night.

Tonight I pray…

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please make a way for Josh to get a car or a ride to the machine shop so he can work. Please make a way for him to get his license renewed and his tickets cleared and please protect him mentally, physically and spiritually each moment of every day. Ward off depression, addiction, hopelessness and the lies of the enemy that torments his thoughts. Please show him your love in his quiet moments alone and with angels on assignment who will minister to him and uplift him and help him move forward to hope and a future. Please heal his body and heal his heart. God please set him free from all things that burden him and weigh him down and spark miracles in his life. Stir his heart and the hearts of others to walk towards the light and new life as you would purpose him for something great and use all the enemy has sent against him for his good.

Please send help to his father so that he may stop burdening my son and take these weights off of this boy’s shoulders. God please move mountains as you’ve done in times past when I needed you and cause his heart to seek you, hear you and be transformed in passion and purpose.

God give me peace and strength to keep going also. Each day is a battle and I feel like I can’t keep going much longer this way. I need you to move and quicken me body and spirit in these hard times. Show me miracles, give me hope and help me to rest in you as you work. Also will you send angels to minister to me?

Thank you Lord,

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.