Wall of Hope

All I have right now of my children is a wall of photos. My son is Dana Point and he’s asked me to not call him anymore. When we speak he’s angry and lashes out at me for trying to help him with jobs and doctor appointments. Yesterday he told me that Glenn was giving him money to do chores around the house. I said, “that’s good,” and he started screaming at me, “No! Don’t say that! Nothing is good. When are you going to understand that nothing is ever good in my life!” I told him I had to go and ended the call then laid there in tears for several hours there-after.

It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever felt inside – to be disconnected from my own child in such an extreme way, where it seems that I’m the enemy in his eyes. I pray Glenn is the angel sent into his life by God. I pray that the words of the Bible, “All things are working for your good,” are true of this situation here and now.

I fight with myself 24/7 trying to find a plan. I pray and ask God to give me a home for my kids and for my dog to come back to me. I beg God to give me a career and a new door open that will grant me financial freedom and allow me to quit the airline job that I hate. I beg God to give me love and people who are good for me and who don’t judge me and look for what’s wrong with me but instead look for what’s good about me.

Last night I sent a video clip to D of him snoring. I thought he would crack up laughing and make a silly joke about himself or the noise his nose was making in the video. We used to laugh. He used to take himself so lightly and it gave me a safe space to do the same. He instead attacked me with viscous words and told me that I was weird and he called me “gross” for mocking the way he responded to me.

For so long now, everyone in my life has played the role of a fault finder. I am the one to blame for everything – even breathing it seems. My personality is unwanted, my desire to laugh and feel connected to others is unwanted. My ideas are casted down and no one listens to me. I wonder as I type this is Tamra will even read the book and script I sent. We did have an agreement that if I did her artwork she was going to help me submit my book to others. She said I would need to take the God and Jesus stuff out for it to be appealing to others. I know this is her speaking what’s true because I’ve been told that many times before. No one wants to hear about Jesus in stories. My writing isn’t welcome in Hollywood because here the God is a manmade kingdom.

My very life is on this planet today because Jesus woke me from death. Literally, I was dead as a doornail and not a single human came for me on the floor of my mom’s dining room. Jesus woke me and I didn’t even know that until decades later on the floor passed out in my master bedroom as my ex-husband’s head was covered in blood and I searched for my phone to call 911. That’s when he took me back in time. That’s when he spoke to me who he was and is. That’s also the place where I’d written the book of Skyla. The same bathroom floor.

I don’t feel good. I never do. I’m overly burdened by bills and problems and I don’t know how to uncover myself from any of it. I want to not walk alone anymore. I want someone in my life who honors the Lord and has also walked through the tribulations and trials and found the truth of who he is. I don’t want to hide my stories anymore. I don’t want to be hated and despised by the ones I thought were in my life to do life with me.

I reached out to a real estate man today who went up against the NAR in lawsuit over seller rights to sell properties outside of the MLS. He said he’d call me later. If he does I hope God does something amazing with this talk and opens a door for me to help the Sullivans sell their home. I need the money so badly. I also need a new outlet. I need something to believe in and people there with me who aren’t scared to take on the systems of this world and the injustices. The control. The hierarchy. The money that rules over bribery and wrongdoing.

I only know to keep trying and keep praying. I only know to keep walking in faith but I really really don’t have much strength left. Even today I couldn’t go to work. I’m too tired. I’m exhausted.

My main prayer above all is to have my hope renewed. I need Jesus to let me know he’s still here and he still sees me. I need Jesus to appear to me and show me his presence and his plans. I need to know that I’m loved and not forgotten. I need to know that he’s not mad at me. I need to know that he hasn’t abandoned me. I need to know that he hasn’t turned his face against me. I need to know that I’m loved, forgiven and held.

I just sit here each day waiting. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to spend my time. I don’t know how to enter the Lord’s rest and I don’t know how to receive blessings when it seems like everything in me and around me is out of place and unsettled. I feel alone and broken. I feel like a boat without an oar. I feel like a woman walking in the dark without a lighthouse ahead to guide me home. I feel like a castaway, a throw-away and a forgotten in a world that has no need for me or place for me anymore. I feel unimportant in every means of the word.

I’m so tired of failing. I’ve tried everything….

I’ve tried everything to make peace with my ex-husband and to have a God-centered common view with him to be the best we can be for our children. That only got me used, stollen from, mocked and blamed.

I’ve tried everything to help my son. That only got me cursed at and yelled at and he demanded I leave him along and not call him anymore.

I’ve tried everything to find a job here. No one has hired me and the 2 offers I did have ended up in no real payment or investment in me made.

I’ve tried everything to heal my relationship with my mother. Nothing has worked.

I’ve tried everything to make Dave love me and have peace in my relationship with him. Nothing has worked.

None of my relationships have worked despite my trying…… and I just received a message from Prophet Russ…

It says, “I am a big God. I can do things beyond your imagination. And it says I should not allow the falls of the past or the doubts of today to stop me from boldly going forward… But what is that I want to do?

I want to be the story of justice for the widows and the fatherless. I want to be the evidence that good wins and love wins and our loving Father takes all the wrongs and makes them right. I want to live as a testimony that the Lord loves us – the unwanteds of the world and creates miracles in our path and gives us favor to uplift us as the humble and meek in this land. I want to write the book of this truth in my daily walk.

He uses the broken… and makes the broken his most beautiful masterpiece of all. I want to be the story of David that the world thought was weak and unqualified to do anything good. I want to be the foolish thing that confounds the wise. I want to be the one that everyone who passed up and looked over sees risen and says, “Wow, how did I not see her? Why did I pass her up? Why did I treat her like she was nothing?”

I hope this man calls me and I hope God leads the conversation divinely and opens a door I can’t even imagine to an opportunity that’s amazing and exceedingly great for me. What if this talk is the start of a new opportunity in luxury real estate here in California? What if this man becomes my new Doug Erdy? What if the breakthrough I’ve been praying for is today?

The word says that the Lord will give back to me everything that was stollen from me. I open my heart the best I can today to receive this and I hope and I pray for good news today. God knows I’m doing my best to keep chasing, keep calling, keep following whatever I can.

Revelation 3:7 says … He will set a table for me and put them at my feet to worship me. And they will know the Lord loved me. I ask for this to start now – my climb up to begin now. I don’t deserve to be alone and hated and made small I don’t have evil intentions in my heart. I have loved and I have tried my best to do everyone right. I try to be honest and not lie to people and I try to create peace always. I need a break Lord Jesus. I need a day of the mourning to end. I pray that could be today. I need a win Lord.

Thank you.

In Jesus’ name – Amen

Lord – please do something good with my life. Please do it now. Show me I have purpose to be here and that you’re not done with me yet.